Lance Jacinto walks along Yonge Street towards Isabella Street where he lives with his family. They moved to Toronto's downtown neighborhood three years ago from Toronto's East York. His father was hired as a superintendent for a hotel and it was a requirement that he live in the building where he would be working in. At first Lance didn't like the thought of moving. His family have moved into three different apartments already in the same building since they came to Canada from the Philippines. Looking back, Lance found it funny that each time, the apartment that they moved into had one more bedroom for the family. Fresh-off the plane, they started in a small one-bedroom apartment on the seventh floor. Then after Lance, his brother and his sister complained about the lack of privacy, Mr. and Mrs. Jacinto found a two-bedroom apartment on the second floor. Three months later, Mr. Lito Jacinto applied as the superintendent in the building and was hired. The owners said that it was necessary that the superintendent should have an apartment on the first floor, next to the office. Lito's three children, especially his daughter, were delighted to know that they were moving to a three-bedroom apartment on the first floor.
Of his two siblings, Lance gets along with his young brother the most despite the fact that they enjoy different things. Tonton like to play hockey and soccer, Lance likes to swim and run. Upon meeting the two for the first time, people would say that Lance is more talkative and opinionated. But somehow, Tonton always wins the most friends, even though he is shy and wouldn't say much unless spoken to.
The sidewalk is filling up with the rush-hour crowd, Lance observes. The wind is chilly but the April sun is shining brightly over everybody's heads. Every now and then, patches of clouds would cover the sun and Lance would notice that the street block that he is walking on has no sunshine and that three blocks south, the sun is shining brightly. He always wonders how long Yonge Street really is whenever that happens. As soon as his family moved into the apartment on Isabella, Lance had wondered if Yonge was the longes street in Toronto. Now, he knows that Eglinton is just as long. Last summer he used to take his brother's bike and ride around Toronto every morning. He rode through the Italian neighborhood called Little Italy, along Spadina, the Annex and the Lakeshore, his favourite route. Lance was seeing Toronto's different facets for the first time since he came to Canada. Before that summer, he couldn't tell which direction was North or South or West or East. When he was living in East York, he didn't know that there were two Chinatowns. He'd only gone to the smaller one which was anchored along Gerrard Street and Broadview Avenue, with his mother.
He turns left on Isabella Street. He is going East now to his family. For a moment he rehearses his dialogue in his mind but stops abruptly when he notices that his lips are moving as well. Isabella Street is not as busy as Yonge but he wonders if anyone saw him with his lips moving. He looks down as a group of men walk past him. He feels conspicuous. Cars seem to slow down as they pass him by. He wonders if he has anything on his face, or if his hair is disheveled.
Lance crosses to the side of the street where the building he lives is on. The sun shines on his side of the street. He stops to take off his eye glasses and looks to the sky. Blue and vast, the sky seems endless. Lance feels the sun against his skin and he could not stop from smiling. He notices that a large patch of dark clouds is being pushed by the wind into Lance's view of the sky. Sighing, he resumes his walk home. When his family used to live in the apartment on the seventh floor, he used to stay up at night and watch the dark sky from the bedroom window. The view did not include downtown Toronto, but it showed the all the condominiums and suburbs of North York. It bothered him that there wasn't always stars that can be seen. He can't remember one night when he saw one. There was one time when he thought he saw a star, but it was only an airplane. From then on, he only watched the airplaine as they fly to their destinations. He wondered what kind of people were in those planes. When he grew tired looking up in the sky, he would look down and he enjoyed the view even better. He was in awe to see as far away as possible. Tall condominium buildings stood with some of the suite's lights on. Houses, streets and cars seemed so small but tenable. He felt like he can just bend over from where he is and touch all of them.
He unlocks the apartment door with his keys. He is greeted by his mother as soon as he steps inside.
"Where have you been? School? Pastor called. They're waiting for you," she says.
"Oh. I forgot," Lance replies as he makes his way to his bedroom. He'd forgotten that Pastor Cruz wanted every one who will be leading the service this Sunday to practice in church today. Lance is a permanent member who is in charge of playing the music for the Prelude and Offertory, as well as the Welcome part. Pastor Johnny Cruz is a close friend of Lance's family. Their church is fairly new. It is the product of a small Bible study group who used to meet together on Sundays, after services were finished. One of the leaders of the group, Brother Atao, thought that it was time that they form their own church congregation. Pastor Johnny Cruz is shott and young for a pastor. Nevertheless, he is smart and everyone respects him. He was appointed as the new church's pastor.
Everyone in that Bible study came from different denominations. Lance's family and some of their relatives and friends were a member of the Filipino First Baptist Church. Pastor Cruz was a Wesleyan. The agreement was that they will form a non-denominational church. They rented a building that was owned by the Oakwood Wesleyan Church, whose Sunday services were held in a building adjacent to the one being rented. The new congregation and the O.W.C. both decided that, for tax purposes, O.W.C. would declare that the smaller church was part of them. Months after the congregation formed, trouble started. What Lance understands that the non-Wesleyan members wanted to separate because Pastor Cruz wanted to name the church Filipino Wesleyan Church. For reasons unknown to Lance, there were no negotiations, and the next thing he knew, his family was torn between joining their friends and relatives who wanted to separate and staying in the church. As plans for separation went underway, the Filipino First Baptist Church group had a meeting in the Jacinto's apartment on Isabella Street.
"They are so uptight," Sister Novena warned the teenagers. She's the wife of Deacon Joe. "They will not let you wear make-up and pants to church." Lance and the other teenagers sat on the sofa. His parents were in the kitchen, cooking for everyone. Ultimately, Mr. and Mrs. Jacinto decided to stay with the church. They reasoned that they had no arguments with Pastor, that it does not matter if the church was named 'The Branch Davidian Church.' What mattered was the whole family worshipped God. Anything else was not worth sweating over.
Lance closes the door behind him and turns the lock. He drops his backpack on his bed and begins to undress when he stops and remembers that all of his clothes are now packed in his suitcase. He thinks about going to his closet where he hid the suitcase and taking out a tee shirt and a pair of short pants. He decides against it. His heart starts to beat faster and his knees are shaking a little. Lance sits down on his bed and allows himself to fall entirely. As he lay on the bed, he takes deep breathes to calm him down. He likes the soft feel of the comforter against his neck and arms. It's quiet and nothing seemed animate inside his room. In the silence, he can almost hear his heart beat slowing down to a normal pace.
His friends wonder how he can sleep in a ground floor bedroom in downtown Toronto.
"Don't you worry about voyeurs looking through your blinds at night?" they've asked. The truth is, Lance explained, downtown Toronto can be very peaceful. It only gets rowdy on June, when Pride week kicks in.
Lance's first Pride was last year's, when he and David painted their faces and abdomens blue and orange and marched alongside their friends from he GLBT Youth Group. It was Lance's idea that all the GLBT members paint themselves with the colours that reflected the group. The night after the GLBT meeting, David told Lance that he knew Lance's real reasons.
"You don't want your family to recognize you on TV," he'd said as he fed Lance with a spoonful of Greek pasta.
"They thought it was a great idea," Lance replied as he wiped off a piece of feta from David's lips.
"Well, so did I, but, you know. I just wish you'd come right out and say it."
"I was gonna, but you know me better."
Three days after Lance turned eighteen, he went to his first Gay and Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth Group meeting at 365 Church Street. CircuitBOY, a chat room friend, told Lance about the GLBT meetings months before he turned eighteen. Lance thought that it would be awkward for him as an underage queer to attend a meeting. CircuitBOY had argued that everyone was welcome to join the group. "It's ok," Lance had said, and made CircuitBOY to go along with him when he goes as soon as he turn eighteen.
From inside his locked bedroom he could hear his parents speaking to each other.
"Can you go to NoFrills and buy some carrots? How much do I need? I need at least two bags. Do you have money? Or just get three if they turn out to be small ones. You think five dollars is enough?" It always irritates Lance when his mother carries out a two-person conversation all by herself.
"Just give me ten," he hears his father reply.
Lance's jaw tightens and his hands clench into fists as he thinks about his parents. Everything about them irritates him. Their mannerisms, the way they speak. He hates it when they ask questions to which they already know the answer. There is another thing that his mother does which really eats through his skin. When she is at home or at church or just at a place where she is familiar with the people, she has confidence and speaks loudly. She doesn't stutter or shrink inward when spoken to. But he hates it when they go to Spadina Avenue to buy groceries because she always seems to lose her voice. Not really lose it, but the boldness of it disappears. She points and uses sign language when she talks to the clerk behind the counter.
He sits up for a few moments, letting the blood flow down from his head slowly, then stands up. Is it time? Lance asks himself. Suddenly he feels a tremendous pull coming from his bed. Instantly his body feels like a large brick, falling, falling, and falling.
"Just know that you have an option," David had told him a week before.
"I don't need this right now. Don't start throwing ultimatums-"
"What? No. Lance, you're not listening to me."
"You know I love you, but I have to think of my family too-"
"And you should. I'm not asking you to be selfish. It's good that you think of your family."
"-I have to fix things at home first."
"I understand. When you're ready. That's what I'm saying. Move in when you're ready."
Lance celebrated his nineteenth birthday just a few weeks before they had that conversation. And they have been a couple for more than a year, but that was the closest thing they've had to an argument.
Being with a person like David is not like something Lance had ever anticipated, although he has always known that he'd fall in love with someone like David since he can remember. With his khaki Gap slacks and blue buttoned-down long sleeve shirt, David was a sight Lance could not take his eyes off on that very day of his first GLBT meeting. The group consisted mostly of teenagers. A tall man, who Lance would alter know as Tate, looked to him like someone in his late twenties. Tate sat on a stool near the outside rim of the gathered bunch. It surprised Lance to see that there were a number of teenagers who were sixteen or seventeen years old. Everyone was sitting on chairs and on top of tables. At first, Lance though that they had arrived early because everyone was not really sitting in a circle or facing in the same direction and watching somebody talked in front. Sam, the chat room friend, introduced Lance to the nearest people to the door. As he noticed Lance, Tate stepped off his stool and went to introduce himself to the newcomer.
"Tate Hilton. Welcome to the 365."
"Lance Jacinto. With a J," he smiled as he shook Tate's hand.
"That's my brother," Tate paused as he called a boy who looked like him from the group. The boy in the blue shirt stopped conversing with the others and made his way to where the other three were standing.
"You're Sam's friend?" he greeted Lance.
"This is Lance," then Tate turned to the newcomer. "It's your first time here, right?" Lance nodded. "I'm David. Pleased to meet you."
He decides to keep lying on his bed. It's quiet in his room. The sound of the exhaust fan whirling above the oven in the kitchen sounds so far away to him. He curls his feet against his chest and pulls the comforter over him. He closes his eyes and goes to sleep. Not today, he tells himself.
----
"Lance, wake up! It's 10:30," he hears his mom say. It's Sunday morning. He curses, but drags himself up and takes a shower and dresses up. When he comes out of his bedroom, he finds that he's the only one there. He looks for his keys, but they're not where he put them last night. Tonton doesn't have his G1-class license yet, but he is able to drive the van out of the underground garage and park in the side of the building. They parents never let Tonton drive beyond the building property, even though he's capable. He is just too lazy to take the test.
After locking the apartment door behind him, he steps outside and into the morning. He immediately spots his parent's silver Montana parked where he thought it would be. He sees that all four of them are inside, obviously waiting for him. His father is sitting in the passenger seat, his mother and sister in the middle seats, and his brother behind them. He opens the door and sits on the driver's seat.
"We're late," his father points out to him as the ignition starts. Lance says nothing, but he begins to drive off.
"What time did you come home last night?" his mother asks him, anger apparent in her tone.
"Two," he replies, shrugging. He is gripping the steering wheel too tightly, he notices, and concentrates on the road, resting his right hand on his lap. He was changing into his pyjamas last night when his mother came into his room. "What exactly do you do outside at two in the morning?" she asked. "I told you," he replied. She stood where she was, saying nothing, while he settled on his bed. "He lay on his side, facing away from her, but he could feel her eyes bearing down on him. Finally, she left and closed the door behind her.
In the van, his father turns around to the back and says, "You're taking that test tomorrow. You should pass. Read the booklet when we get home after the service." He is talking to Tonton.
Lance keeps his eyes on the road as he asks his dad, "Why not you? Or mom?" He pauses for a reply. When none is given, he continues, "it makes sense. You could save more on insurance if either of you can drive."
The truth is, Lance doesn't care who gets a license. He is tired of being the only one in the family who can legally drive. He is tired of constantly being asked if he could drive her to this place, or him Upton, or pick up someone at a certain time.
Pastor Cruz's message for this Sunday is about the unforgivable sin. Lance has never really paid much attention to the unforgivable sin. To him, it has always been something like a foolish geologist who tries to dig a hole through both sides of the Earth. It's obviously hard to achieve, so why bother with it? Why even play around with the idea? If it is a sin that God cannot forgive, then it's obviously something impossibly tenable? He forgives stealing, and lying, and premarital sex, and all the things that Lance is familiar with.
He sits facing the pulpit, in front of the rest of the congregation. The amplifier and the stereo are set up on their stand that is in front of him. He doesn't really have to sit there, but it is the position he occupies weekly. It's his job to control the volume of the microphones and play songs for the Prelude, the Welcome and Offertory parts of the Sunday service. They had just finished collecting the offering when the Jacinto's finally arrived.
His eyes are fixed on the preaching Pastor. He shifts his head to the side, feeling his parent' eyes on him. He studies and calculates every movement he makes. He has the look of an inexperienced actor sitting in front of a casting director. Every move he makes with his hands should suggest anything but pretentiousness on his part. As Pastor Cruz goes on about the unforgivable act of denying the Holy Spirit, Lance crosses his legs, then un-crosses them. At times, Pastor Cruz's gaze would rest on him, and Lance would shift on his chair when the gaze suddenly feels accusing and contemptuous.
"If you know it is against God's Will, yet you still go on and do it," Pastor Cruz says, walking back and forth in slow paces. "Then you fall so deep that the Holy Spirit cannot help you."
There would be time for redemption, Lance tells himself. If he needs to, he would beg and cry for the Holy Spirit. If the time comes...
The service ends, and everyone shuffles outside of the congregation after the closing prayer. Lance goes ahead of his family to wait in the van. He knows that Pastor Cruz will ask him about being late and how the congregation's Service is not pretty when there is no music. He takes a moment to imagine how it would have been for the congregation to attempt a joyful song in place of Lance's for the Welcome. Not liking what he perceives, he makes a mental note of not being late again.
He sits in the driver's seat. He turn on the radio. They are playing Macy Gray's "The Letter," his favourite. On and on and on I've searched, she sings, What I'm looking for is not here on earth. He sits back and bites his lips to stop the tears from coming. The floor of the van vibrates as he turns up the volume. The site mirror pulsates as Macy says goodbye to the world.
All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw in the sun, underneath the stars
Lance remembers that he keeps one of his two copies of Macy's album in the van. He opens the utility compartment under his seat and take out the CD. He loves her album.
He presses the track button and chooses the sixth track, "I Can't Wait To Meetchu." He didn't like this song at first because he thought that it was just about a blind date. But he found out that it was sort of like a Christian pop song. He relaxes as soon as the up-beat song starts to play.
I tried to live without you, What a misery it turned out to be
Lance sits up as he hears someone opening the van's sliding door. He turns down the volume as his mother, followed by the rest of his family, enter the van.
"Should we go buy groceries? "Lance's sister asks no on in particular.
"I need to buy drinks and sandwiches for school," Lance replies. He tells them that he is meeting his friends at the coffee shop as soon as he's free. He waits for his parents to ask him why he is meeting them, but they stay quiet. He adds, "We're doing a project together, so we have to meet at the Reference Library." He is not sure if his parents believe him, but he turns up the volume and continues to drive home.
Two hours later, he is in the lobby of David's and Tate's apartment building on Alexander Street, just two blocks south of Isabella Street. The two brothers share a two-bedroom apartment together. Lance had called David earlier from a payphone outside Loblaws, and told him that they need to talk.
David greets Lance with a kiss on the cheek.Tate is working, so it's just the two of them in the apartment.
"What happened last night? I was looking everywhere for you," David locks the door behind him.
"We took Sam home. I don't think K is good for him anymore," he replies, sitting on the couch.
"That shit's gonna kill him," David says as he hands Lance a can of beer. He opens one for himself and sits beside Lance.
Lance takes a sip of the drink, then places it on the coffee table. He lies his right leg on top of David's left as he feels his boyfriend's fingers tickling the back of his neck. David turns his head sideways to him. Their faces are so close to each other that Lance can see the small scar just above David's left eyebrow. Impulsively, he lightly traces his index finger over it. David's eyes are close now, but his fingers continue to stroke the back of Lance's neck.
He runs his fingers through David's wavy dark hair. It is rare for Lance to see David with his hair not treated with gel. It is soft against his fingers. He can feel David inhale and exhale in front of him. Lance tries to match his breathing with David's. When David exhales, Lance inhales, and vice versa. Lance hopes that David keeps his eyes closed and not realize what Lance is doing. As a prepubescent child in the Philippines, he'd learned somewhere that the Earth is overly populated, and that resources are fast diminishing. His Grade 3 class was asked to come up with a way for the human species to conserve natural resources. As a suggestion, Lance said everyone should walk in pairs, facing each other. All pairs should coordinate their breathing so that when one person exhales, the other recycles the air by inhaling it.
David's toes makes a cracking sound when he curls them. Lance grimaces at the sound of the bones snapping. He is about to remind David that he, Lance, does not like the sound of bones cracking, and that they've talked about this before. But he stops and Lance notices, for the first time, that David's chin is shaped like that of his mother's. Lance lays his forehead on David's chin, feeling the roughness of a freshly shaved beard.
"Give me time," Lance says, as he rubs his forehead against David chin.
He feels David's hands on both sides of his cheeks, motioning him to come look up. "The truth is, I wasn't sure you'd say yes, anyway," David tells him, now looking deep into Lance's eyes.
"I will."
"I know. Take your time," David smiles. "The axiom of my existence is that I can't live without you."
Lance kisses his boyfriend on the lips and stands up. Outside, light is fast disappearing. Through the window, he can see two old men unsuspectingly eating dinner together inside of their own apartment. He walks to the door and puts his coat. As he steps out in the hall, he looks back to his boyfriend and throws him a kiss, then says, "I'll call you tomorrow." Without waiting for a reply, he closes the door behind and walks to the elevator. He'll have to unpack all of his clothes when he gets home. Thinking of the task ahead tires him, so he makes a mental note to do it first thing in the morning. He is sleepy and feels a bit drowsy.
The End
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