When P and P invited me to a meeting at P's Scarborough apartment in Jan of 2017, I sorta already had an inkling that they were going to propose working together on their Healing Lodge project. What I didn't anticipate was the degree of involvement that they wanted me to take part in. So I had mixed emotions when they finally revealed that they wanted me to be on their newly-incorporated non-profit as a treasurer on the board of directors. At that time, the board only consisted of the two of them and another Indigenous woman. I say "mixed" because, on the one hand I was absolutely flattered and excited to be asked to come on board. I knew that being on the board of any organization would make me a very competitive candidate if I were to apply to a new employment position. Secondly, the thought of doing something new, such as serving as a director of a non-profit, would open up opportunities for new learnings and growth.
On the other hand, I felt some hesitancy in filling in the role because I knew it would be a big responsibility. Having had no experience working in non-profits, let alone on Indigenous organizations, a big learning curve was ahead for me. I knew it was a big responsibility because there was, from my point of view, very little margin of error for a settler like me. If I were going to take on this role, I knew that I would have to be on my A-game, and not mess it up. I was new to the activist scene, but I've heard of irresponsible settlers who would involve themselves in Indigenous organizations, and end up creating more problems than any solutions they offered. I've heard of settlers, specifically white folks, who insert themselves in Indigenous affairs and end up overtaking the space and sucking up all the air out of it with their incompetence. So, I knew that, if I were to take on this role, I would have to continually prove myself that I deserve to be in that space.
Let me back track a little because my relationship with P and P actually developed throughout our experience organizing the NoDAPL really in Toronto that was held in Nov of 2016. The organizing committee of that rally included a hodgepodge of folks from the community. First, there was a South Asian youth name M, a latinx person named Y, P and P, another Indigenous woman name M, and a white man named D. Everyone in this group contributed a lot to the success of the rally, but we all had just met each other for the first time, drawn together for our mutual support of Standing Rock. We had asked would-be rally attendees to bring any stuff that they would like for us to send to the NoDAPL camp in Standing Rock. Under P's instructions, I bought some boxes from the dollar store for designated rally volunteers to carry so that they can collect monetary donations from the crowds. I was put in charge of managing donations, both goods and cash. D, the white male organizer, helped with the sound system that made it possible for people to make speeches and acknowledgements at the rally. He also helped create interest among his union connections so that they would show up at the rally.
At the end of the day, after the rally ended its march at city hall, I received a call from P saying she was with the monetary donation volunteers and she wanted to know what to do with the boxes full of cash. At the time that she called, I had my hands full of donated goods, and was organizing with my dad so that he can provide space for the donated goods at my parent's apartment in the village. I suggested to P that she should just take them home and we can count the proceeds after. And so she did.
The following several days after the rally were very difficult for everyone because D was creating a lot of noise. He was upset that P had taken home the cash donations before counting them first. He put into question P's integrity, and insinuated that P might steal from the cash donations. He made very public comments in social media that violently attacked P's character. He even called me on the phone and said he'll "destroy my reputation" if I don't speak up against P. This was before he told me that he didn't think it was fair that, when it was P's turn to make a speech to express thanks to people at the rally, that P didn't mention him by name as an acknowledgement for all his contributions that day.
Naturally, everyone else in the rally organizing committee all came to P's defence. However, to be honest, it was very triggering on my part to witness a white man act so violently towards an Indigenous woman. But, no matter how we tried to calm D down, it always felt like he wasn't listening. He had a mission, and that was to make as much chaos as possible around P, and there was no stopping him. Eventually, community leaders from Council Fire suggested that we organize a Circle for anyone who want to come and voice their concerns. Most of the organizers went, including me. D was there too. I've never been in a Circle before, so it was interesting to witness the ritual. There was medicine burning in the middle of the circle of chairs where sat the dozen or so people who attended. Each person spoke up as they held the eagle feather. When the eagle feather was handed to me, and it was my turn to speak, I spoke from the heart. Usually, I'm not good with speaking in front of groups. I get nervous, and my anxiety spikes up. However, in those 5 or 7 minutes where I spoke, I remember being able to speak clearly and honestly. I spoke of how hard it's been to witness D's spiralling. I spoke about how I felt bullied over the phone, and forced to betray P. I spoke of my reason for asking P to take home the cash donations that night. I said that, yes, I don't know P very well, but that I, for some reason, have this intense trust towards her.
Maybe it's because P is the same age as my mom. Or maybe because P has this unfiltered temperament about her, where she shoots from the hip, most often than not. Maybe it's her dark humour. I got to know P a bit more throughout our time organizing the rally. And, at the time that I asked her to take home the cash donations for safe keeping, there was really no thought in my mind about her doing anything nefarious with the donations. And, speaking of it now that more than 8 years has passed since that rally, I've done a lot of things that I regret since then, but trusting P is absolutely not one of them. It's not to say that P is a perfect person. Because, she's not. And, just as important, she will be the first person to remind you that she's not perfect. However, our experience after the rally bonded us together, as traumatic as it was.
I was more than happy, and felt privileged, to have been asked by P and P to come on board at the Healing Lodge to help them organize the non-profit's finances and get their charitable status. We would email each other late into the night talking about strategy. Their main goal at the onset was to get charitable status and increase community awareness. The hope was that once we get these two things in place, that funding would follow. Once, we met with the federal minister for Indigenous Relations where P and P talked to her about the importance of a Healing Lodge to service Indigenous women in Ontario. The team eventually expanded to include a few more people whose tasks would be to develop the Healing Lodge.
This is where I need to reflect on working with them, and what I would change if I had the luxury to go back. First, I expected to work hard. I knew that being in their team is very important, and that I needed to match P and P's energy of enthusiasm and solidarity with Indigenous women who come into conflict with the colonial justice system. We were doing this for them, and I needed to be all in. Which is why I worked hard. I would stay up late into the night creating budgets and financial statements that P and P needed to submit as part of their grant proposal applications. At the time, I was working full time and doing two university courses per semester, and, yet, I still found time to work on the Healing Lodge stuff. When I think back today, I honestly wonder how I was able to do it. But shit got done. Was I a perfect ally? Not sure. I'm sure I made some mistakes. I'm sure I had my own blindspots while working with P & P. But I tried to contribute as much as I can.
About a year into being on the board, I told P & P that I'd like to step down so that I can fully focus on managing the accounting side of operations. Truthfully, I felt uncomfortable being on the board. Not because I felt out of place. Because P and P made sure that I felt right in place. However, the idea of working more in the background, as opposed to being in strategy meetings, felt more comfortable for me. I wanted to fully support the donor management and finance operations of the growing organization so that we'd be in a good position when it comes to our first finance audit, which, at that time, I knew was something that was just on the horizon, given that it was a requirement in some grants that we've been applying to. The team was also growing, and, one day, P got everyone together to participate in a pipe ceremony at her office. Everyone sat in a circle as the pipe was passed around, and each person had an opportunity to speak. I don't remember what I said that night, but it was my first time participating in such a ceremony. P was also speaking of getting everyone to participate in a sweat at one point, but we were never able to organize it before I left the organization in 2021.
I eventually left because I felt that the organization's financial management needs were becoming more complex as it grew. I thanked P and P for the opportunity to have been involved with the Healing Lodge, but I thought that I was ready to move on. I also had my eyes on volunteering with a filipino charitable organization in the GTA, who's responsible for mounting an annual filipino cultural arts festival that I attended in the summer of 2017 with M.
I moved on from the Healing Lodge as a more confident accountant than I was when I first started. Thanks to being a part of a non-profit charity, I developed a skillset that was more rounded, having had experience in both the non-profit and private sectors. When I did reached out to the filipino charity to inquire about volunteering for them, they were excited to have me on board because I had told them about my work at the Healing Lodge. As I look back, I realize that I may have been timid in working at the Healing Lodge, wanting not to take up as much space as required, but, ironically, I ended up gaining far more than I could've imagined.
A few days ago, I vlogged here about my potential return to the Healing Lodge. I am excited to go back and contribute to an organization that holds a special place in my formative years as someone who started being more publicly outspoken on social issues. Since leaving the Healing Lodge, I have also grown as a person, and I am excited to introduce this new person that I am to P and P, once again.
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