The next vlogs I will be posting from my archives will be hard to watch because I see the beginnings of a difficult time for me in my recovery journey. It's a time where I will struggle with meth use. As I watch them, I can't shake off this feeling of affection and love for the person in the video. Already, I see weight loss. I'm also a bit angry with him.
Actually, a lot angry. I wish that I could travel back in time and shake the hell out of him. To tell him to wake the f*ck up. It looks like he had already found a job around the summer of 2013, after being unemployed for months. I wonder what he was thinking in sabotaging it. The videos are hard to watch, but I need to remember that I eventually was able to emerge out of it. I eventually stopped my daily use. Things did get better. But, to ge there, I need to get past the hard part first.
"Sabotage" is a loaded word. Maybe, it would be better to ask, "what was happening at the time that was so hard that I thought t was the only thing that could get me by?" How can I name what was bothering me without pointing fingers or throwing blames at anyone but me? Because, at the end of the day, it was my choice to get back on to t. And, yet, I was not, and am not, an island. I lived in community.
With patience, deep breath.
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