May 7, 2013 (Tue) vlog from my archives

In this vlog, I talk about my feelings after reading about some Treatment as Prevention (TasP) articles.  I don't know when the idea of TasP started becoming more popular, but it looks like the concept was new to me by the time I made this video.  I feel so much affection for the person that I was in this vlog who felt some shame and guilt in how I chose to have sex, which was bareback.  This was back when adult performers would be banned by the big studios when they performed in raw scenes.  It was a time when barebacking was still a subculture of the gay community, and hookup sites such as bbrt.com were an underground, and safe, place to connect with other barebackers.

I think I still carried that shame and guilt beyond the date of this video because I remember breaking down in tears when I talked about barebacking with my therapist, around 2014 or 2015.  However, I do remember walking away from that conversation feeling a bit less stressed about it.  Unlike me, who had internalized the shame and judgement, my therapist at ACT Toronto was so open and understanding.  She effectively normalized barebacking for me that I felt a huge burden was lifted after that conversation.

TasP definitely changed the game for me because of its U=U principle.  U=U stood for undetectable = untransmittable.  I think it was one of the contributing factors why I was so adherent to my meds, even during long periods of meth use (which will come soon after this vlog was made).

To me, barebacking was always about "breeding another guy".  The act of dropping your seed inside your sexual partner, or vice versa, is such a turn on for me.  Not to kink shame, but I always stayed away from potential hookups who fetishized HIV.  When a guy tells me, "I want your toxic load", I would literally feel nauseated, and, so, would politely leave the conversation.

Today, thanks to prep, barebacking is pretty much the norm wherever I go.  The only other times that I've had to wear a condom in the past year was the couple of times that I hooked up and fucked two very sexy trans men at different times while at Steamworks.  And that experience was still awesome because, well, they were two very sexy and insatiable men who were just as turned on as I was when I went down on both of them.