Mar 9, 2014 (Sun) vlog from my archives

Mar 7, 2014 (Fri) vlog from my archives

 

Me and Ash

This is a video that Ash took as he ate me out when we first met two summers ago.  We met thru bbrt.  He looooves rimming.  And he's great at it!

Nov 30, 2024 (Sat) vlog

A pic of Manny and I from our Miami Beach trip this past Aug

 

Manny and I went on a vacation for about a week this past summer to Miami Beach.  The highlight of the trip was definitely hanging out with him.  It was nice to just get away.  We went to a bathhouse one night where we had a foursome with two other strangers.  Manny and I were hanging out in my room with the door open, when two cute guys came in from the hallway.  Both guys, it turned out, were both tops.  Manny and I were just as happy to bend over for them as they both fucked us side by side.  I've been with Manny since 2017 and it was the first time that he and I have had sex together with other guys.  Since then, we've talked about exploring group scenes a lot more together.

Some hot pics

My recollection of my time in rehab almost twenty years ago (updated)

I use pseudonyms here.

I first used crystal meth in 2004, at the age of 23.  I was reminded recently that it was in May 2006 that I was diagnosed with HIV and neuro-syphilis co-infection.  It was most likely the reason why I started to seriously deal with my addiction.  I don’t know exactly how I found out about the in-patient Rainbow program at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), but I do remember asking my general practitioner (GP) for a referral.

“Of course, I’ll write you one,” I distinctly remember her saying with a determined voice.  Her referral made sure that I entered the rehab in either Dec of 2006 or early 2007 (my recollection is spotty).  I believe the fee was subsidized, as I don’t remember paying out of pocket.

The rehab facility was at CAMH’s Brentcliffe location at the time, near Eglinton and Laird, in the North York area of Toronto.  As I understand, the facility has since closed down.

To get to the building, one must walk north up Laird, all the way to the end, past all these nice, detached brownstones.  Behind a tall wall of trees was the two-storey Brentcliffe building, and it backed out into a ravine with walking trails.  It felt secluded, ensconced within its private location.  Our two counselors for the duration of the program were Jocelyn and Dale.

The Rainbow program at CAMH is specifically intended for folks from the LGBTQ2SIA+ community.  I was put in a cohort with 8 other individuals: there was a white woman who worked at Children’s Aid Society (CAS), an older gentleman, a guy whose substance of choice was crack (I later found out that he lived in the same building as my dealer), I remember there was a guy named Kelvin, then another white guy named Harry (who was playful in his speech, I remember, and roomed with Kelvin during the program), there was also Rachel, a two-spirit Indigenous woman who came from northern Ontario, and another young white lesbian woman (let’s call her Fay) whose substance of choice was alcohol (she also came from a middle class family, I realized, as she wasted no time telling us that her mom was a high school principal who’d just received a salary increase that made her reach the $100k/annual salary milestone).

I was chosen to be Nathan’s roommate, the guy whose substance of choice was crack. Our bedroom had two single beds, placed on each end of the room, and a washroom.  I can’t remember if the washroom had a shower in it.  The first week of the program was nice because Nathan and I would talk well into the night, getting to know each other, as we lay in our own bed in the dark.  He was older than me, tall, lanky, with curly long auburn hair.  Soft spoken and timid, he kept a teddy bear on his bed, and he would hug it as he slept.

Each day of the program consisted of workshops on things such as how one can create daily routines so that our days have a structure that would be conducive to recovery.  There were also workshops on spirituality, many counselling group sessions with Jocelyn and Dale, fitness, etc.

I remember enjoying the food that we got from the cafeteria.  They fed us well.  It was intentional because, I later learned, folks who were entering rehab and suffering from addiction were usually suffering also in their eating habits.  The program made sure that we had access to as many calories as possible, so that we could regain our strength.  

One of the things I remember learning was when I was having breakfast and was clumsily trying to cut up one whole hard-boiled egg with my spoon.  Fay saw me struggling, so she said, “Hey, here’s how you cut up your eggs,” and she pressed her fork down on the egg, took her butter knife and pressed the edge down between the tines of the fork, until the egg was sliced nicely and separately.  To this day, I still remember her whenever I eat a hard-boiled egg.

While our Rainbow group were going through our own in-patient program, there were also Men’s and Women’s groups happening concurrently to ours.  On break times, and during some select gym activities, our group would be able to play volleyball with the other groups.  The only memory I have with the other groups was a conversation I had with someone from the Women’s group in the elevator.  We were making small talk, and I had asked her if it was her first time being there.

“No, this is probably my third time in rehab,” she said.

Ok, that’s one thing I don’t want to do, I thought to myself.

I acted like a sponge as I went through the program.  I wanted to take as much of it all in, so that I learned, not wanting to repeat rehab again.

We were allowed to go back home, if we could, on weekends.  Nathan decided to head back to his place on the first weekend of the program.  I believe I stayed behind, not really wanting to be in my home space at the time.  Some of us stayed over the weekend, and so we just hung out.

When Sunday came, he came back to Brentcliffe.  I can’t remember what really happened, but I do remember being in a conversation with my other group mates about how odd he was acting that day.  Eventually, Nathan confessed to the counselors that he had used that weekend.  Unfortunately, that meant he broke the rules, and that he was no longer allowed to continue in the program.  So, he left.

This meant, of course, that I had the room to myself from that day on.  And for the rest of the program, I enjoyed the extra privacy.  I do remember thinking about him a lot after.  We had grown close, having told each other stories about our childhoods and our upbringing until we were too tired that we had to go to sleep.  I never saw him after, but I wish him well to this day.

We were allowed to have visitors, and Fay had her girlfriend come visit.  If I remember correctly, the only people I knew who came to visit me were my friend Cris and my best friend from junior high, Amy.  I don’t remember well what Cris and I talked about when she came to visit, but I do remember she brought me pho from Ginger restaurant on Yonge street.

On the day that Amy came to visit, I met her at the front door, where she had to sign in with the guards.

“Write your name on the tag, please, and keep it on while you’re in here,” the guard instructed her as he handed her a blank sticker.

“Should I write, ‘Sane’?” she joked, referencing Homer Simpson.

I felt like I was on vacation.  It felt good to just slow down, and to just focus on myself.  I felt cared for.  Naturally, this showed in my temperament.  I went about my days in the program light and carefree.  Even jovial.  At one point, Kelvin asked me, “Why are you always so cool, calm, and collected?”

I just shrugged.

I do remember that I had entered the program around the time that I started dating an Argentinian guy named Martin, whom I had met in a pnp session.  I can mention his name now because he has since passed away.

We both bonded over our struggle with crystal.  Martin was smart, funny, and had a taste for the finer things in life.  We had promised to each other to stay away from crystal, and he was emotionally supportive when I told him I was going into rehab.

Maybe my budding relationship with Martin also made me more easy-breezy going into the program.  Maybe the promise of a new beginning with Martin made me feel like anything was possible, including getting over crystal.  In any case, I was treating rehab like it was a day at the spa.  But, this time, it’s several weeks, not just a day.  I also liked using Margaret Cho’s material during one of the group sessions where we were discussing whether sex was intertwined with our use.

I said, “I like using when I go to the bathhouse because I become uninhibited.”

“I just keep my door open and tell guys to ‘stick it in!” I joked, plagiarizing Margaret’s jokes, and causing everyone in the group circle to laugh.

Dale, smiling, said, “So you were the one…,” throwing me a scolding look, adding to the group's laughter.

It was very nice to get to know the others in the rainbow program.  We had become closer because we spent a lot of time together.  On our second weekend, some of us decided to go on an excursion to Dufferin Mall.  I don’t quite remember why we chose Dufferin Mall, as it was a bit of a drive from Eglinton and Laird.  But the woman who worked at CAS (let’s call her Grace) offered to drive us there.  If I remember correctly, Rachel, Harry, Kelvin, and myself all had a good time riding in the car while Grace drove us to the mall.  When we got there, some of us stayed together to do our own shopping.  Rached and Grace went on their own, while Kelvin and myself hung out.  We ended up staying a bit, but, eventually, we all piled into Grace’s car and went back to Brentcliffe.

The following morning, during a group counselling session, we were going around for a check in.  When it was Rachel's turn to talk, she paused and said, “I’m hurting.”

“What’s going on?” Dale asked.

Rachel said that Grace made her feel unsafe the previous night at the mall.

“Grace asked me to try on a dress, so I did,” she said.  “When I was inside the dressing room and was undressing, she asked me to come out and show her the dress.”

Everyone was silent.

“She just kept asking me to come out of the dressing room, but I didn’t want to come out.  She wouldn’t listen to me.  You persisted in asking me to come out of the dressing room,” Rachel addressed Grace.

I can’t remember what else she said, but I do remember that Grace eventually started crying during that circle.  In between sobs, she said that she didn’t mean to make anyone feel unsafe.  I’m totally not giving this story justice because my recollection is spotty.  But I do remember Grace eventually getting up and leaving the room.  We found out later that day that she had decided to leave the program altogether.

Looking back, I feel that I was still young and getting used to speaking up.  In my own imperfect way, I tried to speak truth to power.  However, there were times when, as I look back, I stumbled in balancing between speaking out and being a kind person.

For instance, I remember that in one of the group sessions, Harry was speaking about his struggles in life.  For the life of me, I don’t remember the specifics of what he talked about, but I do remember responding, by saying, “wow, Harry, I’m shocked to hear a white guy like you talk about how much you’ve struggled,” I commented.

“The reason why I say that is because I feel that all the systems that we live in - educational, justice, political - are built for you to succeed,” I continued without an ounce of self-awareness.  I don’t remember how he responded, but I think even Dale was speechless.

I wish that I could take that back.  It was not helpful.  Definitely not supportive.

I remember one day during a group session with Jocelyn where the subject was about confronting past memories of us facing homophobia, or any kind of hate towards us.  After we had gone around for each of us to speak, Jocelyn asked us to go up to the white board that was on one side of the wall of the room and write the words that come to mind when we think of community, connection, and love.  Each person went up and wrote something.

I wrote “brothers and sisters,” on the board and sat back down, facing the board.  Each person continued to get up and wrote on the board, and I sensed that some of us were getting emotional.  I looked to where Rachel, the indigenous woman, was standing and saw that Kelvin had her in his arms as she quietly sobbed.  Everyone was hugging each other.

Brothers and sisters.

I sat on my chair, and, for the life of me, I can’t remember the reason why now, but I started crying.  The emotions started coming slowly first, like light rain.  Then, the next thing I knew, I started sobbing.  I sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn’t move from my chair.  My legs felt like bricks.  It seemed like every sad feeling I ever felt just engulfed me at that moment like torrential rain, and there was nothing I could do but bow down and let the tears fall.  It felt like I was crying for every sad memory I ever had.

Brothers and sisters.

The words kept repeating in my head.  I just cried and sobbed.  I couldn’t stop.

I don’t know how long I had my head down, but I eventually looked up and saw that Jocelyn and everyone else had gathered around where I sat.  Through tears she asked, “Jose, can I give you a hug?”

The entire group embraced each other in a comforting cocoon.  Disengaging, we slowly calmed down.  We eventually managed to sit around in a circle for a check-in.  One by one, each person talked about what they thought of ‘community’, and how they felt after the exercise.

When my turn came, Jocelyn took a deep breath, and kindly asked, “I’m curious, Jose, how are you feeling?”

“Well.  Cool, calm, collected?  Out the window!” I said with a smile as the group erupted in laughter.

As the program came into close, Jocelyn had asked us to sit in a tighter circle at our last group session.  She brought out a colourful ball of yarn and held on to the end string.  She asked us to give the ball to another person in the group and say something about that person that struck us as memorable or nice or wonderful about them.  One by one, the ball of yarn was passed along.  I remember it was H who handed me the ball and who said some nice things about me.  I can’t remember who I gave the ball to, but, at the end, what resulted was what looked like a web of yarn in the middle of our circle, each person being connected to each other by a string.

I remember asking everyone to pause so that I could take a picture of the web of yarn.  Unfortunately, I’ve lost the digital copy of that picture, but I still remember it to this day.

The next memory I have was at our program graduation.  All groups, including the Women’s, Men’s and Rainbow, all graduated at the same time.  We were encouraged to invite our friends and families.  I didn’t.  I don’t know why I didn’t invite anyone I know.  Maybe I just didn’t want to bother them.

All the graduates sat in a row next to the stage, facing the audience in the gymnasium.   What I do remember was seeing an elegant woman clad in a luxurious, black fur coat and dark sunglasses waving at F as the woman found a seat among the audience.  We each stood up and spoke for a few minutes.  I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember feeling like I took my speech unseriously, cracking a joke about finally finishing the program, and seeing Dale in the audience laugh at my joke. I sat back down right next to Harry.  Kelvin went up to speak next.

By the end of the program Harry and Kelvin had become very close, having spent the entire time as roommates.  I remember Kelvin mentioning Harry’s name in his speech, and Harry breaking down in tears right next to me.  I reached out and patted him in the back, consoling him.

That’s the last memory I have of being in rehab.  After its conclusion, I went back home to my parents’ apartment in the Church and Wellesley area of Toronto.  I didn’t keep in touch with people from my program.  I just left and went back home.  I continued my treatment in CAMH through their after-care program, which meant attending group meetings within the rainbow program.

Maybe it’s because it’s been almost twenty years since I went to rehab that I don’t remember whether I made any serious attempts at self-exploration within it.  Maybe I did and I just can’t remember.  But, what I do remember was having fun, and feeling safe and cared for.  It was nice to have my own room, at least for a while.  Because, I didn’t have that at my parents’ apartment in the village.

What I think I got out of it was learning some basics.  Learning that consistently making one’s own bed every morning sets one up for a good day.  Learning that fitness is just as important as balanced nutrition.  Learning that prepping one’s meals before a busy week would be extra helpful and creates structure to one’s week.  Even learning that one can use their fork and knife  to efficiently cut a hard-boiled egg.

Nov 28, 2024 (Thu) vlog

 

Click here if you want to know more about the Disco study.  I know they're recruiting for more participants in some major Canadian cities such as Toronto.  They're especially encouraging BIPOC men to check them out if interested.

Feb 27, 2014 (Thu) vlog from my archives

Here, I think I may have just gotten high moments before I hit record.

Shame.  Guilt.  This short video is thick with both.  I love this person in this video, flawed as he is, then and now.  I want to remind him that he is loved, for all that he is.  He's absolutely not a perfect person.  I won't give him a pass.  But, he's trying.

Feb 26, 2014 (Wed) vlog from my archives

 TW: Discussions of drug abuse

A bit of context: here, I talk about not being able to help my papa with his "recycling".  My papa was working as a superintendent of a building in the Church and Wellesley area.  I would, sometimes, help him sort out the building's recycling so that it's ready to be picked up.

Nov 22, 2024 (Fri) vlog

ohhh f*ck

Feb 19, 2014 (Wed) vlog from my archives

 TW: Discussions of drug use

A guy from the internet who looks like a younger Manny, my husband

 

This sexy hottie kind of looks like my husband, when he was younger.  Manny has these full lips that I enjoy fucking with my dick every now and then.  We mostly play sides, but it's usually a very intense and sensual experience.  It's like time stands still and we're the only two people in this love bubble, full of affection.  One of my favourite things that I do is deepthroating his cock, slobbering all over his shaft with spit.  I'd usually pull my lips back and there'd be a string of saliva coming from my lips to the head of his cock.

His schedule is quite busy, but we experimented a couple of months ago with playing in public.  We went to Steamworks and each got a room.  After he got undressed and showered, we hang out in my room, where we played with the door open.  I rode his dick as guys watched us.  We had gone to Miami before that week where we paid a visit to one of the bathhouses there.  He was hanging out in my room when two guys came in and we all started playing with one another.  The two guys both fucked Manny and I.  I have to say, getting fucked right next to him was very hot.

Unreleased music: Cher's The Greatest Thing (duet with Lady Gaga)

 

The Greatest Thing

I don't know why you're hurt inside,
Or what was said to make you cry
I hope that you can see you are the greatest thing to me

I don't wa-wanna waste another day
Without telling you
That, baby, you're great
And I can see it written on your face
G-R-E-A-T is something you can't fake

'Cause when I'm with you, I fall apart (fall apart)
To heal your permanently broken heart (broken heart)
Baby, you're the greatest to me
No, no matter what, what, what

I don't know why you're hurt inside
Or what was said to make you cry
I hope that you can see you are the greatest thing to me
And when you're feeling like you're not enough
I'll give you wings, I'll lift you up
I hope that you can see you are the greatest, greatest thing to me

When all your thoughts are dark and insecure
I'll build you a light
'Cause baby, I'm sure that loving you has made me better
I'll take all your shadows and make sure that you shine

'Cause when I'm with you, I fall apart (fall apart)
To heal your permanently broken heart (broken heart)
Baby, you're the greatest to me
No, no matter what, what, what

I don't know why you're hurt inside
Or what was said to make you cry
I hope that you can see you are the greatest thing to me
And when you're feeling like you're not enough
I'll give you wings, I'll lift you up
I hope that you can see you are the greatest, greatest thing to me

The greatest thing, greatest thing, greatest thing to me
I will repeat myself so I know that you're li-listening
The greatest thing, greatest thing, greatest thing to me
I will repeat myself so I know that you're li-listening

'Cause when I'm with you, I fall apart (fall apart)
To heal your permanently broken heart (broken heart)
Baby, you're the greatest to me
No, no matter what, what, what

I don't know why you're hurt inside
Or what was said to make you cry
I hope that you can see you are the greatest thing to me
And when you're feeling like you're not enough
I'll give you wings, I'll lift you up
I hope that you can see you are the greatest, greatest thing to me

Feb 13, 2014 (Thu) vlog from my archives

 

Me fucking my friend B and breeding him multiple times

 

I first met B at Steamworks a couple of years ago.  We kept in touch, and this video was taken a couple of months after that meeting, where he had me over and I came inside him multiple times over the course of that afternoon.  He has a really nice ass that can take a lot of pounding.

Reposting from a Jan 26, 2014 Tumblr post

 

I posted the above message in my Tumblr account on Jan 26, 2014.  I also had a vlog that day which I posted here.  This message kind of makes me sad because it's almost like a wish: something that I'm vocalizing into the universe.  A prayer, addressed to my family.  The title uses a phrase from my favourite hymn, which is a song about a soul's yearning.  I remember now that I used to hum this song whenever I felt depressed after using.

I am happy to say that this prayer eventually came true.  I did went out there and found happiness.  I found happiness in being with community.  I found it in being with myself.  I found it in M.  On our wedding day on a sunny June 16th day a few years ago, M and I were surrounded by most of the people that we loved, and who dearly loved us.

Hotness on a chair

Nov 16, 2024 (Sat) vlog

 A break from reblogging from the past :-)

Music: Miči and Sun-El Musician's Respond

 

Respond

Call me by name and I will respond

Play a melody and I will respond

Keep your conscience clean and I will respond

If you feel it in your soul then I will respond

I will respond

Call me by name and I will respond

Feel it in your soul and I will respond

Invite me to dance in the rain

I will respond

Call me by name and I will respond

Play a melody and I will respond

Keep your conscience clean and I will respond

If you feel it in your soul then I will respond

I will respond

I will respond

Call me by name and I will respond

Play a melody and I will respond

Keep your conscience clean and I will respond

If you feel it in your soul then I will respond

I will respond

Call me by name and I will respond

Feel it in your soul and I will respond

If I ask you to let me in

Will you respond?

Call me by name and I will respond

Play a melody and I will respond

Keep your conscience clean and I will respond

If you feel it in your soul then I will respond

I will respond

I will respond

I will respond

I will respond

I will respond

Feb 4, 2014 (Tue) vlog from my archives

 

More vids from my meeting with my friend D in a recent Oct 2024 trip to Ottawa

A few videos of D fucking me when he came to hang out with me at my Airbnb.  I really love the way he fucks because he hits my prostate when he slides in and out.

...and, on top of being a power top, he's also a very sensual cock sucker:

Feb 3, 2014 (Mon) vlog from my archives

 

There's some poor use of words here, where I refer to the progressive queer rights movement as a "bandwagon" to get behind with.  We live, we learn :-).  However, here, I think, is where it gives me a glimpse of what may be bothering me a lot that time.  I definitely remember being triggered a lot whenever I would be in family gatherings and the subject of my family's church would come up.  It almost felt like a betrayal for them to continue going to their church knowing full well that I am not welcome in that space.  I will eventually have the courage to confront my family head on, and be able to address the issue with them months later (I wrote about it here).  But, I'm curious what happens between now and then.  Will this story become something of a recurring theme in some of my subsequent vlogs?  How will I eventually connect the dots between my addiction and, what I thought was, an irreconcilable difference with my family?

Feb 2, 2014 (Sun) vlog from my archives

 

Feb 1, 2014 (Sat) vlog from my archives

Walking on the Red Road - A Reflection

To pick things up where I first spoke of my long-standing relationship with P and P, two Aboriginal women in the GTA in this blog entry, I'd like to reflect on my experiences so far in working with them and their Healing Lodge charity.  This Healing Lodge is supposed to be the first one in Ontario that is solely for Indigenous women who come into conflict with the colonial justice system in Canada.

When P and P invited me to a meeting at P's Scarborough apartment in Jan of 2017, I sorta already had an inkling that they were going to propose working together on their Healing Lodge project.  What I didn't anticipate was the degree of involvement that they wanted me to take part in.  So I had mixed emotions when they finally revealed that they wanted me to be on their newly-incorporated non-profit as a treasurer on the board of directors.  At that time, the board only consisted of the two of them and another Indigenous woman.  I say "mixed" because, on the one hand I was absolutely flattered and excited to be asked to come on board.  I knew that being on the board of any organization would make me a very competitive candidate if I were to apply to a new employment position.  Secondly, the thought of doing something new, such as serving as a director of a non-profit, would open up opportunities for new learnings and growth.

On the other hand, I felt some hesitancy in filling in the role because I knew it would be a big responsibility.  Having had no experience working in non-profits, let alone on Indigenous organizations, a big learning curve was ahead for me.  I knew it was a big responsibility because there was, from my point of view, very little margin of error for a settler like me.  If I were going to take on this role, I knew that I would have to be on my A-game, and not mess it up.  I was new to the activist scene, but I've heard of irresponsible settlers who would involve themselves in Indigenous organizations, and end up creating more problems than any solutions they offered.  I've heard of settlers, specifically white folks, who insert themselves in Indigenous affairs and end up overtaking the space and sucking up all the air out of it with their incompetence.  So, I knew that, if I were to take on this role, I would have to continually prove myself that I deserve to be in that space.

Let me back track a little because my relationship with P and P actually developed throughout our experience organizing the NoDAPL really in Toronto that was held in Nov of 2016.  The organizing committee of that rally included a hodgepodge of folks from the community.  First, there was a South Asian youth name M, a latinx person named Y, P and P, another Indigenous woman name M, and a white man named D.  Everyone in this group contributed a lot to the success of the rally, but we all had just met each other for the first time, drawn together for our mutual support of Standing Rock.  We had asked would-be rally attendees to bring any stuff that they would like for us to send to the NoDAPL camp in Standing Rock.  Under P's instructions, I bought some boxes from the dollar store for designated rally volunteers to carry so that they can collect monetary donations from the crowds.  I was put in charge of managing donations, both goods and cash.  D, the white male organizer, helped with the sound system that made it possible for people to make speeches and acknowledgements at the rally.  He also helped create interest among his union connections so that they would show up at the rally.

At the end of the day, after the rally ended its march at city hall, I received a call from P saying she was with the monetary donation volunteers and she wanted to know what to do with the boxes full of cash.  At the time that she called, I had my hands full of donated goods, and was organizing with my dad so that he can provide space for the donated goods at my parent's apartment in the village.  I suggested to P that she should just take them home and we can count the proceeds after.  And so she did.

The following several days after the rally were very difficult for everyone because D was creating a lot of noise.  He was upset that P had taken home the cash donations before counting them first.  He put into question P's integrity, and insinuated that P might steal from the cash donations.  He made very public comments in social media that violently attacked P's character.  He even called me on the phone and said he'll "destroy my reputation" if I don't speak up against P.  This was before he told me that he didn't think it was fair that, when it was P's turn to make a speech to express thanks to people at the rally, that P didn't mention him by name as an acknowledgement for all his contributions that day.

Naturally, everyone else in the rally organizing committee all came to P's defence.  However, to be honest, it was very triggering on my part to witness a white man act so violently towards an Indigenous woman.  But, no matter how we tried to calm D down, it always felt like he wasn't listening.  He had a mission, and that was to make as much chaos as possible around P, and there was no stopping him.  Eventually, community leaders from Council Fire suggested that we organize a Circle for anyone who want to come and voice their concerns.  Most of the organizers went, including me.  D was there too.  I've never been in a Circle before, so it was interesting to witness the ritual.  There was medicine burning in the middle of the circle of chairs where sat the dozen or so people who attended.  Each person spoke up as they held the eagle feather.  When the eagle feather was handed to me, and it was my turn to speak, I spoke from the heart.  Usually, I'm not good with speaking in front of groups.  I get nervous, and my anxiety spikes up.  However, in those 5 or 7 minutes where I spoke, I remember being able to speak clearly and honestly.  I spoke of how hard it's been to witness D's spiralling.  I spoke about how I felt bullied over the phone, and forced to betray P. I spoke of my reason for asking P to take home the cash donations that night.  I said that, yes, I don't know P very well, but that I, for some reason, have this intense trust towards her.

Maybe it's because P is the same age as my mom.  Or maybe because P has this unfiltered temperament about her, where she shoots from the hip, most often than not.  Maybe it's her dark humour.  I got to know P a bit more throughout our time organizing the rally.  And, at the time that I asked her to take home the cash donations for safe keeping, there was really no thought in my mind about her doing anything nefarious with the donations.  And, speaking of it now that more than 8 years has passed since that rally, I've done a lot of things that I regret since then, but trusting P is absolutely not one of them.  It's not to say that P is a perfect person.  Because, she's not.  And, just as important, she will be the first person to remind you that she's not perfect.  However, our experience after the rally bonded us together, as traumatic as it was.

I was more than happy, and felt privileged, to have been asked by P and P to come on board at the Healing Lodge to help them organize the non-profit's finances and get their charitable status.  We would email each other late into the night talking about strategy.  Their main goal at the onset was to get charitable status and increase community awareness.  The hope was that once we get these two things in place, that funding would follow.  Once, we met with the federal minister for Indigenous Relations where P and P talked to her about the importance of a Healing Lodge to service Indigenous women in Ontario.  The team eventually expanded to include a few more people whose tasks would be to develop the Healing Lodge.

This is where I need to reflect on working with them, and what I would change if I had the luxury to go back.  First, I expected to work hard.  I knew that being in their team is very important, and that I needed to match P and P's energy of enthusiasm and solidarity with Indigenous women who come into conflict with the colonial justice system.  We were doing this for them, and I needed to be all in.  Which is why I worked hard.  I would stay up late into the night creating budgets and financial statements that P and P needed to submit as part of their grant proposal applications.  At the time, I was working full time and doing two university courses per semester, and, yet, I still found time to work on the Healing Lodge stuff.  When I think back today, I honestly wonder how I was able to do it.  But shit got done.  Was I a perfect ally?  Not sure.  I'm sure I made some mistakes.  I'm sure I had my own blindspots while working with P & P.  But I tried to contribute as much as I can.

About a year into being on the board, I told P & P that I'd like to step down so that I can fully focus on managing the accounting side of operations.  Truthfully, I felt uncomfortable being on the board.  Not because I felt out of place.  Because P and P made sure that I felt right in place.  However, the idea of working more in the background, as opposed to being in strategy meetings, felt more comfortable for me.  I wanted to fully support the donor management and finance operations of the growing organization so that we'd be in a good position when it comes to our first finance audit, which, at that time, I knew was something that was just on the horizon, given that it was a requirement in some grants that we've been applying to.  The team was also growing, and, one day, P got everyone together to participate in a pipe ceremony at her office.  Everyone sat in a circle as the pipe was passed around, and each person had an opportunity to speak.  I don't remember what I said that night, but it was my first time participating in such a ceremony.  P was also speaking of getting everyone to participate in a sweat at one point, but we were never able to organize it before I left the organization in 2021.

I eventually left because I felt that the organization's financial management needs were becoming more complex as it grew.  I thanked P and P for the opportunity to have been involved with the Healing Lodge, but I thought that I was ready to move on.  I also had my eyes on volunteering with a filipino charitable organization in the GTA, who's responsible for mounting an annual filipino cultural arts festival that I attended in the summer of 2017 with M.

I moved on from the Healing Lodge as a more confident accountant than I was when I first started.  Thanks to being a part of a non-profit charity, I developed a skillset that was more rounded, having had experience in both the non-profit and private sectors.  When I did reached out to the filipino charity to inquire about volunteering for them, they were excited to have me on board because I had told them about my work at the Healing Lodge.  As I look back, I realize that I may have been timid in working at the Healing Lodge, wanting not to take up as much space as required, but, ironically, I ended up gaining far more than I could've imagined.

A few days ago, I vlogged here about my potential return to the Healing Lodge.  I am excited to go back and contribute to an organization that holds a special place in my formative years as someone who started being more publicly outspoken on social issues.  Since leaving the Healing Lodge, I have also grown as a person, and I am excited to introduce this new person that I am to P and P, once again.

I met a hot bottom from Sniffies in Ottawa

I went to Ottawa last month in October to meet up with my buddy D.  Before he came over on the Saturday, this smoking hot guy came by to my Airbnb to take a load from me.

Great view...

Getting ready to go in...

Greasing his hole up...

Depositing my load...

Jan 31, 2014 (Fri) vlog from my archives

 

Repost from an old Tumblr posting: hot pics of a guy

 

Jan 28, 2014 (Tue) vlog from my archives

 TRIGGER WARNING: Contains graphic discussion of drug use

Jan 26, 2014 (Sun) vlog from my archives

 

Sometimes, we get silly

Almost always, whenever M and I get hot n heavy, and things are either heating up or we're wiping the cum off of each after doing the deed, to interrupt the vibe and lighten the mood, I would reach for either his underwear or mine and put it over my face to wear like a gas mask.  Then, we'd lol together.

Hot pic from my Tumblr account that I posted in 2014

 

I love the look of an ass in jocks

Jan 13, 2014 (Mon) vlog from my archives

 

Jan 8, 2014 (Wed) vlog from my archives

 

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains graphic discussion of meth use

Here, I get candid about the impact of my use on my bank account.  I also talk about my family here.

Oct 31, 2013 (Thu) vlog from my archives

 

Oct 29, 2013 (Tue) vlog from my archives

 

Things for me to remember as I repost the rest of my vlogs from my archives

The next vlogs I will be posting from my archives will be hard to watch because I see the beginnings of a difficult time for me in my recovery journey.  It's a time where I will struggle with meth use.  As I watch them, I can't shake off this feeling of affection and love for the person in the video.  Already, I see weight loss.  I'm also a bit angry with him.

Actually, a lot angry.  I wish that I could travel back in time and shake the hell out of him.  To tell him to wake the f*ck up.  It looks like he had already found a job around the summer of 2013, after being unemployed for months.  I wonder what he was thinking in sabotaging it.  The videos are hard to watch, but I need to remember that I eventually was able to emerge out of it.  I eventually stopped my daily use.  Things did get better.  But, to ge there, I need to get past the hard part first.

"Sabotage" is a loaded word.  Maybe, it would be better to ask, "what was happening at the time that was so hard that I thought t was the only thing that could get me by?"  How can I name what was bothering me without pointing fingers or throwing blames at anyone but me?  Because, at the end of the day, it was my choice to get back on to t.  And, yet, I was not, and am not, an island.  I lived in community.

With patience, deep breath.

My take away from watching an MCC Toronto service

 

I posted the above in my Tumblr account on Apr 14, 2014.  I think that pretty much sums up my feelings around relationships.  I've always shied away from possessiveness and any kind of clinging.  Manny and I, in our 6-year relationship, have had to work together so that he and I can grow together and apart, happily.  He and I have engaged in deep conversations so that we can negotiate how we would like to function in our relationship.  I'm happy to say that we have grown to cheer on each other as we each pursue our own paths.  For me, I am happy because I feel that I have a good foundation in my relationship with Manny.  I feel that, because he is in my life, the sky is the limit for me, that I can show love to anyone and everyone who I run into in my path.  Manny has been instrumental in ensuring that I reconcile with my sister's former parter (more on that in future blogs).

Nov 6, 2024 (Wed) vlog

 

A break from reposting from the archives!

Wikipedia defines healing lodges as Canadian correctional institutions that are designed to meet Aboriginal (First Nations, Métis, and Inuit) inmates.  Here is the link where I first talked about the healing lodge that I volunteered with.

Hot 3some

This pic reminds me of a 3some I had last month.

Several weeks ago, I was cruising around Sniffies.com when I started chatting with K, a cute Vietnamese guy.  He has the same built as me, and we both have the same dick size.  He said that he's versatile, but that he was looking to top that day.  I was not in the mood to douche, so I also told him that I wanted to top.  He suggested that we look for a bottom to tag team.  Eventually, my friend T said he's interested in meeting both of us.

I got to K's place first that night, and he and I played for a bit.  He has such a beautiful cock that I loved sucking.  I wanted to sit on it, but he said he wanted to save it for T.  Eventually, T arrived, and we all got to business, after a few chit chat.  I ended up breeding T and K came on T's face.

Sep 1, 2013 (Sun) vlog from my archives

 

Coming back with a vlog after a few months.  Here, I talk about finally finding a job, and being back on t.  I see that I've lost a bit of weight in this video, compared to the last vlog.

Jun 9, 2013 (Sun) vlog from my archives

 

Here, I talk about family and still being unemployed.

May 27, 2013 (Mon) vlog from my archives

 

Here I talk about queer relationships, unemployment, and doctor's appointments.

May 13, 2013 (Mon) vlog from my archives

 

In this vlog I talk about my feelings about meeting guys at the bathhouse a lot.

Repost from my Tumblr account

 

Just that peek of his ass tanline is sooo sexy.  Also, this is how I usually lay down in my room at Steamworks, wearing a jockstrap, with the door open.

One of my favourite film quotes

This was my first Tumblr blog, posted on Jan 4th, 2014.  It's a quote from 2004 film Before Sunset.

Reconciliation in action

I was listening to a Media Indigena podcast episode the other day where the conversation was about Indigenous language revitalization.  One of the guests said that, sometimes, well-meaning settlers would ask to take part in Native language instructions.  The issue is that many of these Native organizations that are providing the instructions and classes are strapped with cash and don't have much resources, meaning classroom space is constrained.  And, so, the guest argues, these organizations would usually decline the admission of non-Natives to these language classes to make room for Natives in the class..  And I had a thought that, what if all or some of the Filipino charitable organizations located in the GTA were to band together and create an umbrella organization, following the TASSC model (tassc.ca) of governance, where member organizations would contribute financial resources into a central fund?  This pool would be used to create grants for a suite of programs aimed at helping Filipino members of the GTA community.  Then, one program can be greated among this suite of offerings that would sponsor a Native person who'd like to pursue learning about their own language.  Sort of like a grant or scholarship, but for a Native person?  I think it would be a meaningful step towards reconciliation between the Filipino community and Natives.

This umbrella organization can include Filipino social enterprises that, together with businesses and charitable organizations, can draw from their internally-generated revenues to create this funding pool.