Jill Bolte Taylor - Stroke of Insight TedTalk

 From my Youtube favourite playlist that I've accumulated over the past 20 years of watching videos.

Cynthia Erivo's cover of Nothing Compares 2 U

From an Elder

Eat all the darn apples!

Ba-in ba-in

*ba-in is an Ilocano word, meaning shy. We call touch-me-not plants as ba-in ba-in.

Off to a new opportunity

That’s a wrap on my time in the corporate sector. My last day was Friday, the 17th. It was a long day—my manager was pushing hard for me to complete several tasks for the audit, including reconciling accounts that hadn’t been touched since I joined the company. At 3:55 PM, she texted me asking if they could extend my system access to Saturday so I could finish as much as possible. Ugh.

I understood her urgency—the senior leadership team’s year-end bonuses depended, in part, on a clean audit. Still, it felt like they were trying to squeeze every last bit of work out of me. After a moment of reflection, I followed my gut and replied that extending my access wouldn’t be necessary. I promised to finish what I could but made it clear I would be shutting off my laptop at 6 PM. I thought to myself, “I gave them more than a month’s notice—that’s enough.”

Working in corporate treasury gave me a front-row seat to the sheer amount of wealth the company generated—and how much of it went straight into shareholders’ pockets. I often wondered what would happen if just a fraction of that wealth were reinvested into the employees. It was disheartening to see no one question why passive shareholders reaped so much while the people driving the company’s success saw so little. That disillusionment stuck with me.

Now, it’s my privilege to start a new chapter as the accountant for the Healing Lodge. This feels like where I truly belong—working for an Indigenous charity whose mission is to end the colonial project of Murdered and Missing Indigenous Women. It’s a cause I can fully support with my energy and talents.

My journey with the Healing Lodge began in 2017 when the cofounders asked me to volunteer. We had just worked together to organize a massive rally in support of Standing Rock in November 2016, alongside many wonderful people. Back then, the Healing Lodge had just been incorporated as a nonprofit. My role was to help secure charitable status, manage donors, and prepare financial statements for grant proposals. We spent countless evenings and weekends strategizing ways to increase community awareness about the need for a facility like the Healing Lodge.

I stepped away during COVID when the organization grew too rapidly for me to support as a volunteer. Today, they have nearly 40 employees and multiple locations in Toronto. Then, out of the blue in November 2024, one of the cofounders—now the Executive Director—approached me with a job offer. I humbly accepted, saying goodbye to the corporate world. No more working my fingers to the bone to enrich shareholders. I’d rather work just as hard for the community.

I know this might sound idealistic and naive, and I’m aware of the challenges ahead. I’ve wondered whether it will be difficult to set boundaries with an organization I’m so deeply invested in. But I realized that the boundaries I needed in corporate life are entirely different from the ones I’ll need here. The two environments couldn’t be more different. One drained my soul; the other feels generative and life-affirming.

Of course, I’ll still need to protect my self-care. But if I wholeheartedly believe in the Healing Lodge’s mission, this work becomes personal—it’s part of who I am. So, from an existential perspective, I ask myself: Do I even need boundaries with something that feels like an extension of the self? Or can I follow my instincts and simply...exist?

Ass (SOMPIG - saved on my personal IG)

 

from @bananaboyg on IG

UC Men's Octet - At Last/I Just Wanna Make Love to You

 

It gets funny at 2:38

Some hot guys

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Music: HanHan's Be Iba

Be Iba (English: Be Different)

[Intro]

Pula

Itim

Bughaw

Dilaw

Berde

Puti

Kayumanggi x4

[Verse 1]

Sabihin man nila na ika’y isang baduy

OK lang kaibigan, totoong tao ka naman

Iwasan ang mga plastik

Mga ahas sa dilim

Silang mga matapobre ay huwag mong pansinin

Huwag kang mahihiya kung ika’y walang katulad

Itaas ang ‘yong kamay at ikaw ay lumipad

Tanggapin ang katotohanan na ika’y nag-iisa at ika’y ibang iba

Just be iba

[Chorus]

OK lang na be iba

Be ikaw, Be iba dahil ika’y nag-iisa

Just be iba

[Verse 2]

Hindi kinakailangan na ikaw ay sumabay

Sa uso na sa utak ang huwad ang naglagay

Huwag mong paniwalaan ang sinasabi nila

Na ika’y hamak na pobre at wala kang halaga

Malaking kasinungalingan

Huwag na huwag mong pakinggan

Mangarap ka na lamang at higpit mo ‘tong hawakan

Pilit ka mang nakawan

Ay inday! Ika’y lumaban

Just be iba

[Chorus]

OK lang na be iba

Be ikaw, Be iba dahil ika’y nag-iisa

Just be iba

Iba’t ibang mukha

Iba’t ibang mata

Tingnan mo ang bahaghari

Di ba’t iba’t iba ang lahi

Iba’t ibang galaw

Iba’t ibang pananaw

Mas makulay ang mundo kung tayo’y iba’t iba

Just be iba

[Chorus]

OK lang na be iba

Be ikaw, Be iba dahil ika’y nag-iisa

Just be iba

Pula

Itim

Bughaw

Dilaw

Berde

Puti

Kayumanggi x4

Iba’t ibang mukha

Iba’t ibang mata

Tingnan mo ang bahaghari

Di ba’t iba’t iba ang lahi

Iba’t ibang galaw

Iba’t ibang pananaw

Mas makulay ang mundo kung tayo’y iba’t iba

Just be iba

[Chorus]

OK lang na be iba

Be ikaw, Be iba dahil ika’y nag-iisa

Just be iba x2

Gentle reminder

 

Rethinking celebrations as a trigger

I used to suffer a lot from high levels of anxiety. Social gatherings, celebrations, parties—anything of that sort—would often trigger panic attacks in me. There were likely many reasons why I felt such intense anxiety. Maybe it was because I was insecure about myself. Maybe I didn’t feel good enough or confident enough to be around other people.

In my early 20s, I was working part-time jobs as a barista and as a seafood and deli clerk. I didn’t feel like my life was headed in the direction I wanted it to go. I would get high on crystal meth and go to bathhouses or, sometimes, go dancing at 5ive, a popular queer club in Toronto in the early 2000s.

There was something about being in social situations while high that appealed to me. I thought, Well, since partying seems to be unavoidable—almost essential—to living as a queer person in Toronto, I’ll need something to help me get through it. Whenever I talked to someone at these social gatherings, there was always a voice in my head saying, You may be talking to me now, but you don’t know my secret.

The secret was that I was high. It felt like having one foot in the party and the other foot outside it. Weekends were especially hard in my sobriety journey because I felt pressured to party, constantly anticipating everything I could get into. I would go to the clubs with my pipe and lighter safely hidden in one of my shoes, smoking in the bathroom while my friends danced. Then I’d return to them feeling excited, thinking I was fooling everyone.

It’s often said that celebrations can be triggers because people think the only way to fully participate is by using substances. After all, we all know that drunk uncle or aunt at the party who only comes out of their shell after a few drinks.

I’ve been reflecting on this part of my history over the past couple of days after listening to a Sober Co. podcast episode. At one point, the hosts talked about why we use substances. They said people sometimes use substances to numb uncomfortable feelings—a concept I’m familiar with. However, what struck me was when they said celebrations and parties can also bring up uncomfortable emotions that we may want to numb ourselves from.

I had to pause when I heard that. I asked myself, Why would celebrations make me feel discomfort?

To answer that, I had to explore and define what celebrations are, at their core.

Celebrations are supposed to be fun and joyful. Social gatherings, parties, and get-togethers are meant to be enjoyable and pleasurable events—a chance to connect and engage with one’s community.

I started asking, If I’m using and getting high on crystal meth just to attend celebrations, what does that say about my (un)willingness to be present? If social events are sources and spaces for joy, then why do I have one foot in and the other foot out? Why do I think that only a part of me is allowed to be at the party, while other parts are hidden? Am I, deep down, saying there’s a part of me I feel ashamed or embarrassed about—so much so that I want to hide it from my loved ones?

To be clear, I’m not saying that everyone who uses party favors to enhance their experience is an addict or has a problem. I’m not saying that family members who drink beer while belting out karaoke staples are alcoholics. Not necessarily. These days, I’ll smoke a joint or use poppers when I go to the bathhouse. At a New Year’s Eve party hosted by my brother and sister-in-law last month, I brought two bottles of green sour apple liqueur, which we all finished. My relationships with these substances are completely different from my relationship with crystal meth. The former are gentler to me, and I can take them or leave them. Meth, however, is an abusive entity in my life.

Ultimately, I’m asking myself: Is there a better way to show up at a party? Do I want to be in the middle of a celebration, secretly hiding parts of myself from joy? Or will my spirit soar higher if I wholeheartedly show up, fully experiencing the joy and everything else that celebrations are meant to create?  So, was it ever really about anxiety?  Or, has it always been about my belief that I was unworthy of joy?

Loong

Towards Kapwa - #repost

Towards Kapwa

Written by Carl Lorenz Cervantes (the original was posted here)

Note by the author: This was first published as The Sikodiwa Manifesto on Mar 1, 2023.  It has been slightly edited to reflect more current perspectives.

It begins with the self and the illusion that the individual is separate from the world.  It comes down to the most basic assumption about the universe: that it is only material, that the vibrance and nuance of life are products of mysterious but predictable mechanical processes.  In this view, time is linear and the self is limited to the body.  This assumption influences social dynamics: if one believes oneself to be fundamentally separate from the universe, then it is also true that one is separate from other people.  "Civilization" has come to mean competition and dominance.  Man's goal has become to reach higher and higher, to "rise above all the rest."  The highest self, in this sense, refers to the fulfillment of one's own potential, removed from one's social context.  Due to this, the individual has become so alienated from nature and other people.  They have forgotten their role in history.  This causes an overwhelming boredom with the world, a lack of meaning or purpose in life.  This, however, points to an important truth in the nature of being human: one cannot find meaning in the world, if one sees oneself as separate from it.

Intuitive Indigenous Insight

The intuitive human tendency to be one with others is present in the Filipino indigenous worldview.  The Filipino personality, katauhan, is the full essence of their humanity.  One's inner self, loob, reaches out to others, and can only be recognized by its actions with kapwa, the collective.  Foreigners have translated kapwa as "other people," thereby alienating the self from the collective when in fact kapwa more accurately reflects one's belongingness in the context of a shared identity.  The highest level of kapwa is pakikiisa - that is, sharing the struggle (pakikibaka), becoming one (isa) with others.  The goal of any collective effort is ginhawa, a stable and spacious peace built on community.

One's relationship with he world goes beyond other people.  Various Filipino folk beliefs imply the existence of a spirit world, not as a separate space but as something that is integrated in this reality.  The objects of nature have spirits, and these entities can have tangible manifestations.  When a person dies, their spirit goes into nature, and eventually becomes a nature spirit.  Thus it can be said that the Filipino's relationship with the environment is spiritual, shaped by fear for the consequences of disrespecting invisible forces as well as by respect for their beauty and power.  It can be seen therefore, that recovering the intuitive truths of the Filipino psyche may allow for a deeper relationship with the world beyond the self.  One is not distinct from the world; one is a product of the world, born into the context of a shared humanity.

The Dangers of Ibang-tao

Others Defining Us

There is some danger in the form of ibang-tao (strangers) trying to colonize others due to their own sense of competitive individuality.  Strangers may insist on their own interpretation regarding broad Filipino experiences, perhaps even claiming ownership on indigenous terms.  Foreign researchers have often interpreted Filipino concepts through a colonial lens, distorting their meaning to suit their purposes and give them an excuse to "educate" the "primitives," thereby erasing culture and forcing an alien perspective.  This attitude persists until today, whenever we continue to let others define who we are, and whenever we follow foreign standards instead of our own, despite the unwieldiness of most foreign systems in our climate.  We must begin to listen to our own intuition and celebrate each other, using our own standards.

Others Representing Us

Some of us have also become ibang tao to our own culture in that they insist on an idealized (that is, romanticized and so often exoticized) sense of "Filipino-ness."  They are often coming from a surface-level form of nationalism where communicating in Filipino might only mean speaking in "pure" Tagalog, wearing indigenous patterns (without necessarily knowing what they mean, or being in contact with particular ethnolinguistic cultures), and writing in the ancient scripts.  This perspective tends to be tokenistic in that it only picks and chooses what is and is not "Filipino"; it is appropriative in that it represents aesthetics that are not always fully understood by the merchant and wearer; it is Manila-centric in that it privileges the experience of the urbanized, Westernized, and affluent; and it removes the Philippines from the context of a global community.  Knowing Philippine languages does not guarantee a Filipino spirit, in the very same way that the colonizers learned our languages in order to better indoctrinate us.  Of course, returning to one's native language is a fantastic way to (re)-access one's indigenous psychology, but we can use any language that helps us to be understood.  English, for example, can be just as effective of a communication tool to reach Filipinos across the world and introduce Filipino concepts to non-Filipinos.  What matters, then, is that we are not merely wearing costumes of culture - it is better to become culture, to be culture regardless of outfit.

Who are we?

Another surface-level danger is romanticizing (and so often exoticizing) a monolithic idea of pre-colonial ancestors, perceiving them as ascended masters.  While it is important to recover the indigenous attitudes and customs before the influence of colonizers, this tendency can sometimes be a way to escape the issues plaguing the Filipino today.  They were human too, and any student of history knows that like us they were gullible and scheming, yet also wise and warm.  If one were to truly learn more about the indigenous perspective, one need only speak to fellow Filipinos.  Today, the babaylan still sings to the mountains and the fold healer still harnesses the powers of nature.  The Filipino fold Christian has done what Filipinos have historically done with food - take foreign influences and give it a uniquely Filipino flavour.  The pre-colonial ancestor is not Filipino - as Nick Joaquin said, they are anything but.  We are only "Filipino" because of our participation in history.  Our collective identity is persistence, revolution, and adaptation - in a word, transformation.  We have become Filipino, we have claimed this name for ourselves, and we have given it our own meaning.  One is in danger of being ibang-tao when one removes oneself from a historical and social context, and anyone who forces a perspective removed from the facts of history or the real experience of the Filipino may also be coming from the alienated ibang-tao worldview.

The Filipino is Worth Living For

In the end, it is not about a "return" to ancient lifestyles, which is actually just a form of regression.  It is important, rather, to listen to the whisper of intuition, which has always been present.  We can start by identifying the roots of everyday inconvenience, which are often manifestations of systemic flaws, usually leftovers from colonial history.  Indigenous knowledge has the potential to enrich one's life, but it is not limited to the enhancement of the self - it is also about finding oneself in the world.  If, then, one were to truly live out the principles of these ideas, it out to be in the service of the needs of our Kapwa today.

Poetry

 

By @studmavati on IG

Jay Mason's prayer

Last month, I reflected on my work with the Indigenous community in Toronto in this post.  In it, I spoke of a Circle that I had the privilege of being a part of at Council Fire.  A Circle - which was an event where community members could come and speak on their concerns - took place a week after the rally to show support for Standing Rock happened in Toronto, mainly to hear the concerns of folks who thought that the rally should've been organized differently.  One of the people who attended that meeting was Jay Mason.  He gave us, the rally organizers, good advise on how to organize rallies going forward.  He said, "the next time you do a rally, don't even ask for a police permit, just do it," he said to us.

I befriended him thereafter through Facebook, and found out through his subsequent postings that he was a critical part of the American Indian Movement years ago.  He would also post daily teachings on his account.  One day, he posted a prayer that I instantly took a liking to.

I grew up Christian, where I attended Baptist church services starting from an early age.  From my experience, Christian prayers are imbued with a sense that the person who is praying is sinful, and in need of saving.  Jay's prayer is different because it leaves me feeling empowered.  It connects me to the world around me, asking me to wonder what would happen to the world if I don't follow my instructions to be kind and to live a good life.

I printed a copy of this prayer into a piece of paper that I taped on my office desk at work.  Every morning,  as I drink my coffee, it would be my ritual to read this prayer and reflect on it.

Rest in Power, Jay.

Here's the prayer, straight from Jay's Facebook post:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

— Max Ehrmann, 1927