As can be seen from the title, I recorded this video diary just over 10 years ago. What follows is my reflection on it.
There was something that my aunt said to me a couple of months ago this year that I can't seem to shake off. My auntie D, or, as myself and my siblings like to affectionately call her, mommy D, is my dad's younger sister who lives in Taber, Alberta, and works as a tax return specialist. I was chatting with her about the possible tax implications of me giving my former brother-in-law a share of our home's equity.
Just to give some context, my sister and her common-law partner lives with my parents at our family home in North York. My parents and I are the legal owners of the house, with our names being the only ones on the title. However, when we purchased the house almost ten years ago, the agreement was that my sister would withdraw from her personal RRSP account to contribute to the down payment, while my brother-in-law would contribute more to the home expenses, compared to everyone else's contributions. By home expenses, I mean the mortgage payments, utilities, cable, heating, groceries, etc. I would collect all our monthly contributions and deposit them into a separate house account in which said expenses would be withdrawn out of.
In the summer of this year, in 2024, my sister informed me that she will be separating from her common-law partner. This began a very difficult summer and fall months, not just for her and my former brother-in-law, but for everyone in the family. There was gaslighting, long family meetings, accusations of abuse, mental meltdowns, weaponization of the justice system, my sister being kicked out of her family home and essentially being homeless, etc. It was a mess. And, to be honest, there were times when I didn't help the situation. At first, both my sister and her former common-law partner looked to me for support for their own interests. My sister didn't want me to give any equity share of the house to her former partner, while he looked to me to honour the spirit of our original agreement. My parents, for their part, deferred their decisions to me on all things related to the family and the house.
I'll make this reflection short because I want to get into what happened with the separation in more detail later, but, to go back to what my mommy D said that gave me pause, was when she told me that she can't imagine how I've been keeping it together because she thought it must be hard for me to be the "head of the family" and have to make such difficult decisions. When she said those words, I almost cried. I never, in my wildest dreams, ever imagined myself being seen as the "head of a family".
I thought, "Is this how people see me now? When did this happen?" In my heart, I still feel like a little boy, ever looking up to someone wiser than me, waiting for lessons to be learned and passed on.
These are my reflections when I watch this video today. Back then, I was the one looking to be heard. I was the one looking for approval. Some folks, when they watch this video, might ask themselves, "Why didn't he just up and left them? If I was him, and my family refused to validate me, I would just tell them to go to hell. I'll go and find my own chosen family."
For me, that was not an option. It wasn't my path. What rings true to me is that they are my family, for better or for worse. For me, I had a right to be among them, and they needed to be in my life. So, what did I do? Well, it's interesting because, from watching this video, it looks like I fought really hard for them to see me. I fought hard to claim my space among them.
Today, my sister's separation process is still going on, but we are slowly, as a family, reconciling with each other. Some of us may have taken my former brother-in-law's side, while some of us sided with my sister. But, with the help and wisdom of my husband, I've tried really hard to heal the wounds from all sides. Because, in the end, as I keep reminding all the adults in the family, we all want what's best for the youngsters among us: my parents' grandchildren, my nephews, my sister's and former partner's children. They are, and should be, at the heart of our decision-making process.
There's also something to be said about my struggle between being my family's supporter and my tendency to be the rescuer. I think being the latter has been one of the factors why I found these past few months very difficult. But, that's a topic for another blog post.
I'm happy to say, we're all on the road towards healing. I may not be willing to take on the role of the head of the family, but I'll definitely up to contributing as much as I can towards harmony, accountability, love, and peace. I may be soft-spoken, but believe me when I say that I will fight tooth and nail for the things that I want, including ensuring none of us gets left behind. My challenge is recognizing where my boundaries are.
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