Last meals of wrongfully-accused individuals who were later proven to be innocent of the crime

 

Dec 29, 2024 (Sun) vlog

 

Music: Dungdungwen Kanto

My papa used to sing this lullaby to us kids when we were young.

Dungdungwen Kanto            I Will Love You

Dungdungwen kanto unay unay                      I will love you and cherish you always

Indayonen kanto iti sınamay                            I will cradle you to sleep in a soft-cloth swing

Tultuloden kanto't naalumanay                        I will swing you ever so gently

Pagammuanen inka mailibay                           And soon enough you will be asleep

Annay, push, annay annay                               O, my aching heart, it aches, it aches

Nasaem, naut-ut la unay                                   It hurts so badly, it hurts to the core

Itdem kaniak ta pannaranay                             So, please, please your nurture give

Ta kaasiak a maidasay                                      For it would be a pity if I should die

Apaman nga Incanto makaturog                     Ás soon as you have fallen asleep

Iyabbongkonto ta rupam daytoy paniok          I will cover your face with my handkerchief

Tapnon dinakanto kagaten ti lamok                So no mosquitoes can bite you

Ken maimasmonto't maturog                          And so you can enjoy a good slumber

Apaman nga inkanto makariing                      Á soon as you awaken

Dagdagusen kanto a sappuyoten                     I will immediately hold you

Nga iliilili kas maysa nga ubing                     And dandle you like an infant

Ta nanamem sam-it ni issem                          So you can enjoy my sweet smile

Goofy guy with a big dick - pics from the interverse

 

Poetry

By @studmavati on IG

My Spotify Wrapped 2024

Music, any genre, makes such a good soundtrack to whatever it is that I'm doing.

Dec 15, 2024 (Sun) vlog

 

Some vids of me playing with my friend Neil

I met Neil (a pseudonym) a couple of years ago at Steamworks.  We instantly hit it off because he's a really good sex partner.  He's the same buddy I had a foursome with in this blog post.

This was taken at one of the times we met at Steamworks:

Here, you can hear us engage in sex talk in Tagalog:

My triggers

Having been an intravenous drug user—or, in other words, someone who "slams Tina"—there are many day-to-day things that trigger me. For instance, I get triggered by objects like plastic straws (because I used a bias-cut piece to scoop meth out of its bag), small metal spoons (used to heat meth diluted in water), eyeglass cases (where I kept all my paraphernalia), and lighters (for obvious reasons).

Other triggers are more contextual, such as seeing needles at my doctor’s clinic during routine blood tests, public washrooms (because I used to wander downtown Toronto, high as a kite, searching for private enough spaces to use), or even glancing at my bulging veins at the gym while lifting weights.

Being triggered is an interesting feeling because it reminds me that sobriety has never been, and will never be, the ultimate goal. Maybe it was at first, but I’ve since learned that being sober isn’t the endgame. I’ll never be “cured” of my addiction. The prospect of using will always linger, never quite disappearing. It’s an ongoing process. Being triggered by something as simple as being given a plastic straw at a restaurant reminds me to stay vigilant and maintain awareness. These are concepts I learned from Manny—my husband, whose name I use here as a pseudonym—during a conversation about triggers over dinner at a nearby Thai restaurant. Between bites of pineapple fried rice for him and khao soi chicken for me, he explained these ideas as part of Buddhist philosophy. Vigilance and awareness work together to free oneself from suffering. They must operate in tandem to help us release attachment.

Then I wonder: What is the goal? What am I working toward, if not sobriety? What is the assignment?

About two months ago, Manny and I were driving back to the house from our apartment. At the time, we were trying to reconcile my sister and her former partner, at least to the point where they could be civil. While sitting in the passenger seat, I received a barrage of texts from my sister.

I love my sister. Manny and I will always be her biggest cheerleaders. However, she can sometimes be overwhelming, as she’s not always mindful of others’ time. That day, she sent me a long list of things she needed me to do that week, including communicating with her ex-partner about childcare. As I read her texts, I began to feel flustered. My heart raced.

I don’t have time for this! I thought. It was month-end at work, I needed to handle bookkeeping for two non-profits I volunteer for, assist the Healing Lodge with accounting, manage my parents’ finances while they were in the Philippines, and prepare for our upcoming move into the house.

I was about to fire off an angry response when I remembered my therapist’s advice from the previous week. They had helped me realize my tendency to avoid intense emotions—or, worse, to let them control me. Taking a deep breath, I held my phone at arm’s length and said to Manny, “I’m feeling angry right now.”

“I want to yell at Manang,” I continued.

Manny, eyes on the road, simply replied, “Deep breaths, love.”

I paused, repeating the words I am angry in my head, then put my phone down. Almost instinctively, I smiled, feeling a bit lighter.

“Anger is trying to teach me something,” I told Manny, and myself. “I wonder what it is.”

We went straight home that night without me replying to my sister’s texts.

The next day, reflecting on my emotions, I recalled something my therapist had mentioned weeks earlier: the distinction between being a supporter and being a savior. Supporting someone wholeheartedly facilitates healing and reconciliation. It requires presence and accountability, and it encourages loved ones to grow. This space of support is energizing.

Being a savior, on the other hand, is draining. It allows others to take endlessly from me while I feel I have nothing left to give. It breeds passive-aggressiveness—agreeing to help but feeling resentful. It’s a powerless space.

Eventually, I replied to my sister, setting clear boundaries. I love her deeply—she’s the one who chased off my bullies in elementary school. We share a close bond, and I hope all three of us siblings, along with our loved ones, grow into better human beings who respect each other’s time and capacity.

My therapist says anger can be destructive if we let it, but it can also be a teacher. That’s a lesson I wouldn’t have learned if I hadn’t paused during that car ride to ask myself what my anger was trying to tell me.

Today, I had a thought: maybe my goal is simply to ask questions. To pause and stay curious. I know I’m in my 40s—my body reminds me, haha!—but I feel like I’m just getting started. There’s so much to learn, so much to experience. Can I experience it all while getting high on meth? Maybe. But I’ve learned that doing anything while high is like walking around with dark shades on, day and night. Eventually, it just gets in the way.

So why not just stay curious? Sobriety may come in its own time, but curiosity will anchor me.

Music: Ruby Ibarra's A Thousand Cuts

 

    A Thousand Cuts 

If I fall I stand up, break these walls I rise up
Even when I lose it all, I always got my eyes up
They prayin' on my downfall but I’ll never give up
A thousand cuts won't be enough to keep my fists in these cuffs

And I'm never breaking down with the odds against me
Brown girl gold brown with the gods within me
Yeah! I was the flower that bloomed in a dark room
Flows like monsoons from the womb when I write
Move ruins and resume I grew ’till I soon
Prayed to many moons that my wounds would not bloom
Where we from, death looms so we hum you this tunеs
And hope it sparks light like a night in mid June
My hеarts consumed by hate here
It's harden when you live fear
How can you see clear when you don't see you in the mirror, ugh
I lost too many peers, they seem to disappear
But they livin' through these words that I'm paintin' here

Pre Chorus:
Tell me you remember me
I'm here to build a legacy
I got the ground movin' under me
A thousand cuts ain’t never stoppin’ me
And I swear I'm never givin’ up
Who I am or who I'm standing up
And I never need an ounce of luck
To understand myself cause that's enough
Yeah that's enough

Chorus:
[*Ann One*, Ruby Ibarra]
*Yeah, I can live a thousand cuts*
I can live a thousand cuts
*Yeah, I can live a thousand cuts*
Than live a life just coverin’ up
Ugh, what would you die for?
What do you live for?
When it's resistance met with uproar
I'm trying to love more ,we've had enough war
Too many stones and these hands are guns down
They try to pressure me, pressed me 'till I stumble down
But not this time I go zero to a hundred now
They'll never silence me, my voice won't be denied
And I'm challenging the system, no, it won't be televised
And I'll never compromise, cause I'm writing to survive
When the freedom ain't free and so let's keep the hope alive
Yeah, I see it in me form the Claras to Makilings
From the martyrs to the artists and the writer breakin' ceilings
It's life in these times with lives on front lines
A test to these times, so we question these minds
And If I ever bite my tongue that'll be the death of
Everything I stand for, no I won't be any less

And P.S. tell me you'll remember me
I'm here to build a legacy
I got the ground movin' under me
A thousand cuts ain't never stoppin' me
And I swear I'm never givin' up
Who I am or who I'm standing up
And I never need an ounce of luck
To understand myself cause that's enough
Yeah that's enough

Chorus:
[*Ann One*, Ruby Ibarra]
*Yeah, I can live a thousand cuts*
I can live a thousand cuts
*Yeah, I can live a thousand cuts*
Than live a life just coverin' up
And I swear I'm never givin' up
Who I am or who I'm standing up
And I never need an ounce of luck
To understand myself cause that's enough
Yeah that's enough

*Yeah, I can live a thousand cuts*
I can live a thousand cuts
*Yeah, I can live a thousand cuts*
Than live a life just coverin' up

I can live a thousand cuts
*I can live a thousand cuts yeah yeah*
*Swear I'm never givin' up ohhhhh*
I can live a thousand cuts yeah*
No I'm never giving up
*I can live a thousand cuts yeah yeah*
I can live a thousand cuts
I can live a thousand cuts
*I can live a thousand cuts yeah yeah*
*You're never gonna break me down*
*I swear you're gonna here me now*
*They're never gonna shake my ground*
*It's only being me right now, ohh*

If I fall I stand up, break these walls I rise up
Even when I lose it all, I always got my eyes up
They prayin' on my downfall but I'll never give up
A thousand cuts won't be enough to keep my fists in these cuffs

Hot pics from the internet sphere

 

Dec 12, 2024 (Thu) vlog

 

Some words of wisdom

Apr 15, 2014 (Tue) vlog from my archives and a reflection on family (updated)

 

As can be seen from the title, I recorded this video diary just over 10 years ago.  What follows is my reflection on it.

There was something that my aunt said to me a couple of months ago this year that I can't seem to shake off.  My auntie D, or, as myself and my siblings like to affectionately call her, mommy D, is my dad's younger sister who lives in Taber, Alberta, and works as a tax return specialist.  I was chatting with her about the possible tax implications of me giving my former brother-in-law a share of our home's equity. 

Just to give some context, my sister and her common-law partner lives with my parents at our family home in North York.  My parents and I are the legal owners of the house, with our names being the only ones on the title.  However, when we purchased the house almost ten years ago, the agreement was that my sister would withdraw from her personal RRSP account to contribute to the down payment, while my brother-in-law would contribute more to the home expenses, compared to everyone else's contributions.  By home expenses, I mean the mortgage payments, utilities, cable, heating, groceries, etc.  I would collect all our monthly contributions and deposit them into a separate house account in which said expenses would be withdrawn out of.

In the summer of this year, in 2024, my sister informed me that she will be separating from her common-law partner.  This began a very difficult summer and fall months, not just for her and my former brother-in-law, but for everyone in the family.  There was gaslighting, long family meetings, accusations of abuse, mental meltdowns, weaponization of the justice system, my sister being kicked out of her family home and essentially being homeless, etc.  It was a mess.  And, to be honest, there were times when I didn't help the situation.  At first, both my sister and her former common-law partner looked to me for support for their own interests.  My sister didn't want me to give any equity share of the house to her former partner, while he looked to me to honour the spirit of our original agreement.  My parents, for their part, deferred their decisions to me on all things related to the family and the house.

I'll make this reflection short because I want to get into what happened with the separation in more detail later, but, to go back to what my mommy D said that gave me pause, was when she told me that she can't imagine how I've been keeping it together because she thought it must be hard for me to be the "head of the family" and have to make such difficult decisions.  When she said those words, I almost cried.  I never, in my wildest dreams, ever imagined myself being seen as the "head of a family".

I thought, "Is this how people see me now?  When did this happen?"  In my heart, I still feel like a little boy, ever looking up to someone wiser than me, waiting for lessons to be learned and passed on.

These are my reflections when I watch this video today.  Back then, I was the one looking to be heard.  I was the one looking for approval.  Some folks, when they watch this video, might ask themselves, "Why didn't he just up and left them?  If I was him, and my family refused to validate me, I would just tell them to go to hell.  I'll go and find my own chosen family."

For me, that was not an option.  It wasn't my path.  What rings true to me is that they are my family, for better or for worse.  For me, I had a right to be among them, and they needed to be in my life.  So, what did I do?  Well, it's interesting because, from watching this video, it looks like I fought really hard for them to see me.  I fought hard to claim my space among them.

Today, my sister's separation process is still going on, but we are slowly, as a family, reconciling with each other.  Some of us may have taken my former brother-in-law's side, while some of us sided with my sister.  But, with the help and wisdom of my husband, I've tried really hard to heal the wounds from all sides.  Because, in the end, as I keep reminding all the adults in the family, we all want what's best for the youngsters among us: my parents' grandchildren, my nephews, my sister's and former partner's children.  They are, and should be, at the heart of our decision-making process.

There's also something to be said about my struggle between being my family's supporter and my tendency to be the rescuer.  I think being the latter has been one of the factors why I found these past few months very difficult.  But, that's a topic for another blog post.

I'm happy to say, we're all on the road towards healing.  I may not be willing to take on the role of the head of the family, but I'll definitely up to contributing as much as I can towards harmony, accountability, love, and peace.  I may be soft-spoken, but believe me when I say that I will fight tooth and nail for the things that I want, including ensuring none of us gets left behind.  My challenge is recognizing where my boundaries are.

Chad Upham

I first used crystal meth sometime in late 2004 or early 2005 when a hookup offered me the pipe.  I'll write more of what was happening in my life at that time that made it so easy for me to be quickly addicted to it. However, I'd like to write here about how a person I met online became one of my lifelines during my early struggles with the drug.  They were my lifeline because they impacted me positively when I met them, and they gave me a lesson that I still carry today.

By 2005, I was already heavily addicted to it.  I don't quite remember which platform I met Chad that year, it might have been X (then Twitter).  He was posting about his sobriety from the same drug by taking selfies of him with a note of how long he's been sober on that day.  I reached out to him privately, and we started emailing back and forth.  I don't think I have those emails anymore, but I do remember him lending an empathetic space for me to talk about my own struggles.

Eventually, after a few emails back and forth, I lost interest and stopped replying to him, as I continued to go deeper into my addiction.  One day, I saw him post the below picture on his social.  I don't remember if I ever reached out back to him to thank him, or to let him know that I was still around.  However, we eventually lost contact, until I found him on IG in Jan of 2023.  I immediately sent him a DM, where I said, "Hi Chad, I don't expect you to remember me but you and I exchanged emails many years ago where you coached me when I was struggling with meth addiction.  You inspired me to get better.  You even sent me a pic of you holding a note saying "For Joey", which is my nickname.  I hope you are well.  Sending you lots of love and greetings."

He replied with the picture below.

When I saw this picture for the first time in 2005, I felt seen.

Like, SEEN.

One of the many reasons why I think I got so easily addicted to meth was because I felt invisible, that I didn't matter.  That I was inconsequential.  When Chad posted this pic and I saw my nickname written on the piece of paper - my nickname that only my family calls me by - I felt the first stirrings of being expansive and impactful.  Someone knows me!  Someone cares!

I'll write more later about other lifelines I've met in my journey, such as the Haitian restaurant manager who gave me a free meal and a place to sleep in in Montreal after I went in to their restaurant and told to them that I was stranded in the city with no money, coming down on crystal, and very hungry because I hadn't eaten in days.

Lifelines are crucial.  Be open to them, because they come in all different forms.  Just as important, to pay it forward, if one has the resources and are able.

Apr 10, 2014 (Thu) vlog from my archives

TW: Discussions of drug misuse

Dec 8, 2024 (Sun) vlog

Big news and big move!