what's going on?

i turned 31 last oct 15.  i got high on meth that weekend.  didn't stop until the week before christmas.  been sober since then.  i went from smoking t on oct to injecting it.  on dec 22, saturday, my mom convinced me to go with her to the mall.    i was quite high.  as we walked, everyone in the street was looking at me.  everyone at the mall was looking at me.  walking back home, i passed by one guy i've slept and partied with before.  he was with another guy.  i didn't make eye contact, but i recognized him from my periphery vision and his voice.

i flushed away what remained of my t down the toilet as soon as we got home.  i still have some of my drug paraphernalia (pipes, lighter, etc) in my bag.  waiting on a good time to safely get rid of them.

so, with no t on hand, i ask myself: what am i left with?  what do i want out of life?  what do i want to do?  what do i want to happen?

what i am left with:  friends and family who love me.  i'm still alive with all four limbs, eyesight, hearing...in other words: good to go to do whatever i want.

what i want out of life and what i want to do:  this is tricky.  it took me quite a while to understand this.  my friend D has asked me this countless times  and i always got it wrong.  i would tell him that what i want is to be able to contribute to society.  he would say, "wrong answer!"  the right answer, apparently, is happiness.  seek happiness, very simple.

what is it that i want to happen:  i want control of my life.  how would you feel if you were kept in a cage for years?  it would have been easier had it been a real cage (ie. jail).  but this is more insidious.  i can't trust anyone, not even my friends and family.  they are all involved.  i could understand why:  it is to babysit me.  it's for my own good.  to protect me from doing harm to myself and others.  i understand that.  but could you understand where i'm coming from?  i thought i worked hard for 2 years to learn business in college only to realize that it was all a set up.  so, in a way, i haven't really done much in years.  it's nothing.

i want this to stop.  i know what i want to do.  i know what it is that i need to do.  i will do it.  but you need to let me do it.