Housing

I filled out the application to get back to the affordable housing list last week.  I dropped it off at the office.  for housing purposes, Toronto is split into different zones.  applicants can choose which zones they would like to live in.  I chose to be considered for a bachelor or a one bedroom in the dt area.  I should be hearing from them within a month to get the confirmation that I have been added to the list.

On Thursday, I also signed up for the taxation courses at u of Toronto.  it is part of my accounting accreditation.  first class is this Tuesday at 6 pm.  I am excited about the class.  this is exactly what I need, something to inspire and challenge me.  I have yet to buy the book.  u of t bookstore was still waiting on a shipment last time I checked.

I had dinner w/ my high school friend L last Thursday.  I was curious to see how she was doing.  last time we spoke was almost 2 months ago and she was a bit depressed about not passing her dental hygienist certification.  it also gave me an opportunity to tell her what I have been going thru.  she sat very calmly and listened as I told her about the drugs, people following me, how mad I am, etc.  I liked that she was reasonable and calm.  it was comforting.

last oct 13, i was supposed to meet L at her place along with two of our other friends to celebrate my b'day.  i had told them that i wanted hot pot for dinner.  they've gone all the trouble to prep for a good dinner.  i never showed up.  i was busy getting high.  it was a horrible thing to do.

doc's appt

went to see my hiv specialist today.  my sep 2012 blood test results are as follows:

• undetectable viral load
• 460 cd4
• i have osteo...something (weak bones)

my nurse recommended that i start taking calcium and vit d supplements.  bought those today after the appointed.  i will be taking a total of 1200 mg of calcium and 1800 mg of vit d.  it's good that i'll be taking this particular vit, especially during this time of year when we don't get much sunlight in toronto.

i also told my nurse about my drug use, as well as about my losing my job.  i told her that i believe i am being followed.  i will be speaking to a social worker at the same clinic nxt week.

she asked me where i stand on my drug use right now.  do i want to stop? i told her that i do want to stop.  it's not something i want to continue.  but i need to get some stuff out of my chest first.  there's some things i need to say out loud.

i also dropped by at the housing connections office to pick up some forms.  i want to go back to the waiting list for affordable housing.  it's important, i believe, for my rehabilitation that i have my own space.

while at my doctor's, i also got rid of my used needle.  it's been in my bag all this time.  glad it's disposed of properly.

what's going on?

i turned 31 last oct 15.  i got high on meth that weekend.  didn't stop until the week before christmas.  been sober since then.  i went from smoking t on oct to injecting it.  on dec 22, saturday, my mom convinced me to go with her to the mall.    i was quite high.  as we walked, everyone in the street was looking at me.  everyone at the mall was looking at me.  walking back home, i passed by one guy i've slept and partied with before.  he was with another guy.  i didn't make eye contact, but i recognized him from my periphery vision and his voice.

i flushed away what remained of my t down the toilet as soon as we got home.  i still have some of my drug paraphernalia (pipes, lighter, etc) in my bag.  waiting on a good time to safely get rid of them.

so, with no t on hand, i ask myself: what am i left with?  what do i want out of life?  what do i want to do?  what do i want to happen?

what i am left with:  friends and family who love me.  i'm still alive with all four limbs, eyesight, hearing...in other words: good to go to do whatever i want.

what i want out of life and what i want to do:  this is tricky.  it took me quite a while to understand this.  my friend D has asked me this countless times  and i always got it wrong.  i would tell him that what i want is to be able to contribute to society.  he would say, "wrong answer!"  the right answer, apparently, is happiness.  seek happiness, very simple.

what is it that i want to happen:  i want control of my life.  how would you feel if you were kept in a cage for years?  it would have been easier had it been a real cage (ie. jail).  but this is more insidious.  i can't trust anyone, not even my friends and family.  they are all involved.  i could understand why:  it is to babysit me.  it's for my own good.  to protect me from doing harm to myself and others.  i understand that.  but could you understand where i'm coming from?  i thought i worked hard for 2 years to learn business in college only to realize that it was all a set up.  so, in a way, i haven't really done much in years.  it's nothing.

i want this to stop.  i know what i want to do.  i know what it is that i need to do.  i will do it.  but you need to let me do it.