My sister was home this past Saturday, Easter weekend, and decided to go drinking at our neighbour's house starting in the evening, bringing along our cousin who is currently staying with us over the long weekend while she's off from her live-in caregiving job. I went to pick up Manny from work in the evening on Saturday, after which he and I went to dinner. When we got home at around 10 PM, I walked in to the house with my oldest nephew (in his mid-20s) talking to my cousin about something I sensed was important. Manny went straight to our bedroom upstairs while I stayed in the living, asking my nephew what's going on.
Apparently, my sister got so drunk that she started talking shit to the neighbor about me, calling me stupid for giving her former common law partner money as his share for the equity of the house. When our cousin tried to talk her out of it, my sister asked my cousin whose side she's on, her or her family. My sister told our neighbour and neighbour's family how her family has never really supported her. My nephew, apparently, who'd gone over next door to fetch his mom, became the brunt of her verbal abuse as she accused him of taking her former ex's side by continuing any sort of relationship with him.
I could sense a feeling of redness as I listened to my nephew relay the story to me last night. My cousin was also not helping because, inebriated as she was, she kept repeating the same traumatic story again and again, and interrupting my nephew and I. Eventually, my nephew said to my cousin, "auntie, you're drunk too, so please go to bed."
I told my nephew that I am at peace with my decision to give his mom's ex money. I have my reasons. Chief among them is to make sure that we can move forward, as a family. I'm fully aware that my sister's ex means a lot to my nephews. He may not have been a perfect partner for her, but, in my view, he was kind to my nephews, especially to the two older ones who are not his own sons by blood. Yet, he treated them as his. I saw that in the way he mentored them. I saw that in the way he cooked for them. My sister is never much of a cook, especially when she knows that she has someone else to do it for her.
My sister's ex is also the kind of a maladjusted man who never quite learned that screaming at my sister to "shut the hell up!" was never a good idea. He never showed his gratitude to my parents for caring for his and my sister's youngest some from the day their son was born. He's a saver. He nickle-and-dimed my sister and parents-never, in our ten years of living with him, did he ever offer to take my parents out for dinner, let alone pay for the full bill whenever we're all out to dinner.
So I understand how frustrated my sister can be that my nephews are continuing their relationship with him. To her, it's all about loyalty. Her family and friend are either on her side or her enemy. Unfortunately, my sister is still learning how to manager her emotions. She's still learning how to cultivate self-awareness. Usually, that would be alright, but with manang, most of the time, there's a risk of violence whenever she's triggered.
After this weekend, I decided that she needs her own space. She needs to have her own space to reflect. We, as a family, can no longer stand between her and her own happiness. I've tried again and again to remind her that her family supports her. I've given her thousands of dollars to help fund her court cases. We're renovating the family house to make space for her. And, when she had no where else to go, Manny and I took her in. When there was friction between her and my youngest nephew because he didn't want to stay as long at our house, preferring to be with his dad because that's where his video games are, Manny spent more than a thousand dollars buying my nephew a video game console that he can keep at our house-much to my nephew's delight. But, it seems, according to her, it's not enough.
She needs her own space. So, the family will give her her share of the house equity, and let that be it.
We may part ways for now, but I will ask her to call me as soon as she figures it out. Call me when she figures out that she's a generous, kind, and loving person-someone who has such a sharp sense of justice that she was the one who chased away my elementary school bullies. Yes, our childhood was hard. The adults were especially hard on you. Being the eldest, they expected a lot out of you. And they were cruel when they thought you didn't measure up to their impossible standards.
You're perfect and flawed all at once, and in between. Love is here for her. She just needs to accept it. Embrace it. Because she deserves it. No need to justify, or apologize, or do anything before she can embrace it. Nothing but to just step into the light and embrace it. Born into this world, you took a breathe and in came the light.
Anyway, all this is to say that I was on social media on Easter Sunday morning when this insta video I saw inspired me to write this poem:
pls stay
Open
My wise ❤️ says:
i'm here
Believe not
That God is
In your ❤️ ,
Child
But, rather that
You are in
The ❤️
Of God
I may thrash
And kick
And yell
Always, I am
In the ❤️
Of God
So, what to do?
What is there
Left to do?
beloved,
As it is
And the wise ❤️
Is strong
Deep roots
Silly
Learning
Awkward
Surrounded by
Wise ❤️ s
So, what's left to do?
beloved, let's dance
